May I Have a Word?

Musician Suzanne Vega Finds Her Birth Father--Her Blood Sings

2011-04-27T08:54:00.000-07:00

Suzanne Vega's adopted. Sort of. At age 9 she found out her daddy wasn't her real daddy. She was also shocked because that meant she was White. (Adoptive dad/stepdad was Puerto Rican and she'd always identified with that part of her "heritage.") She says she felt embarrassed to suddenly be different from her siblings, and later felt like an impostor when singing with a Latin Arts group.

She found her birth dad at age 28. Turns out he was also a musician, and he'd been fully adopted.

"I looked at his eyes and hands, and recognized my own. There was this spiritual connection, too. It was as if I suddenly understood myself better."

He'd found his own bio parents and guess what––they were musicians too. And apparently Vega had been an outlier in her family when it came to music:

"Finally," she tells Oprah Magazine, "I felt like I belonged."

It's stories like these that add to the nature/nurture debate. When you find birth family and sudden commonality in interests, personality, and those intangible, non-biological traits, it seems to tip the evidence toward the all-determining-birth-culture argument.

Enter the endless debate and source for scientific investigation. ABCNews asks, "Is there a Music Gene?" Sperm/egg donor clinics surely benefit from a belief in all-determining biology. Pick this donor! He's a super smart doctor and musician! But does your kid actually turn out exactly the way you want that way? What if you have a propensity for something but need a particular environment for it to manifest? Sometimes adopteds find that their birth parents are totally opposite of them in every way except appearance. I know folks with that experience, but you don't hear those stories as much because they don't have the exciting "ah-ha!" quality.

But back to Vega and her music. Naturally, she's written about her experience finding her dad. (If you're adopted and you're an artist, it's impossible not to have adoption themes appear in your work I think.) Check out "Blood Sings." My favorite line: "When blood sees blood of its own, it sings to see itself again."

Wendy's and Dave Thomas' Images of Waiting Children

2011-04-24T06:36:00.000-07:00

We love the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption. They do a lot of great work encouraging people to adopt kids from foster care--among the most notable achievements are the federal tax breaks Dave successfully advocated for in the 90s and of course Wendy's fast food restaurant which dedicates a percentage of its profits to adoption.

I remember growing up knowing that Wendy's was special because Wendy was adopted and it was a positive thing. (I didn't realize that Dave was the adopted one and the daughter he named the restaurant after was his biological child--probably because I wanted so badly to know another adopted daughter and therefore chose to believe she was a fellow adoptee. She also had crazy hair.)

These days I don't spend time gazing out the window of my parents' car looking for Wendy's restaurants. But I do get e-mails from the Dave Thomas Foundation. I appreciate all the work they do, but I have to say that sometimes I feel uneasy about the images of waiting children they use in promotions.

Maybe because the images could play into that old "rescue the child" attitude. The pictured kids are often alone, gazing upward, as if waiting to be picked up.

You want to reach into the poster and hold the kid.

Which is the point.

But yet there's more to it. Yes, you are helping a child when you foster or adopt, but if you start with a "missionary" mindset and expect the child to be ever grateful and good because you saved them from certain squalor, the child is probably going to experience feelings of anger and resentment at some point. It's demoralizing to be thought of as a charity case.

Images, in advertising especially, tend not to invite complexity. They activate viewers' emotions much faster than words do. This probably has something to do with the right brain/left brain thing that a linguist or psychologist would know more about than me. What bothers me is that the emotion these images evoke is a troubling one: pity.

Don't simply pity the poor orphan. Too easy. From what I've seen, that attitude reduces the situation and can lead to unrealistic expectations. Respect the child as a full person who probably won't think of you as a savior and be okay with that. Do step into adoption or foster care, but do it with recognition of the child's hurts and struggles and have an openness to learn from the child. Adoption isn't a rescue mission--it's a paradox of torn flowers.

Petition to Declare July 28 National Adoptee Equal Rights Day (and Why You Should Care)

2011-04-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

There's a new petition (sign here) to name an official day for adoptee equal rights:
"WHEREAS: It is only since the 1940s that outdated, archaic, draconian regulations have been enacted, unjustly sealing and denying equal access by adopted persons to their own original birth certificates,

WHEREAS: This denial of equal civil and human rights was set in motion by regulations that were opposed from the onset by the Child Welfare League of America and were based on no-longer relevant social stigmas on infertility and illegitimate birth status,

WHEREAS: Alaska and Kansas which never enacted these restrictive, discriminatory regulations has experienced no negative consequences to any citizen nor any increase in abortions or decrease in adoptions,

WHEREAS: There is absolutely no evidence to indicate that mothers or fathers relinquishing children for adoption voluntarily or involuntarily were ever given any promise of anonymity from their children, and most are eager to know of the well
being of their adopted-out offspring,"

I'm always advocating for birth certificate access on this blog, emphasizing that it's a civil right, that adoptees aren't asking for anything more than what the average citizen has. But I came across a new, startling reason for why this issue is so pertinent: According to this article based on National Genealogical Society info, in four generations, half of all Americans' ancestry will be bogus.

Half of all Americans. As of April 11, 2011, the U.S. population tops 311 million. (Census Bureau) Half of that is 155,500,000.

The "half" calculation is based on info from the 1990s estimating that ~2% of Americans are adopted, and today that estimate is much higher.

The reason why this genealogical mystery affects so many more people than the adopted ones is because, of course, any children those adopted people have will also have holes in their ancestry, and any kids those kids have. The problem is akin to compounding interest--like any coverup lie, it snowballs into a much bigger problem than the one it was meant to hide.

Let's get it together, folks.

Adoptive Mom and Sociologist Barbara Katz Rothman Visits Pittsburgh: Hair, Race, and Adoption

2011-04-17T09:47:00.000-07:00

Recently in Pittsburgh I met Barbara Katz Rothman, sociology professor at CUNY and author of Weaving a Family: Untangling Race and Adoption. Her book is part personal story part sociological study of transracial adoption. She and her husband adopted their African American daughter as an infant.

I had the opportunity to hang out briefly with Barbara one-on-one. Our first interaction happened via e-mail, as I told her I'd be picking her up from the airport.

Me: "My hair will help you recognize me [in the airport]--it's big and curly."

Barbara: "and my hair will help you -- it's grey with a purple streak."

Sure was. She said she dyed it for fun with her daughter years back, then she became fascinated with folks' reactions of shock and wonderment and kept it. "Women with gray hair aren't expected to celebrate it," she said.

True. Rather, it seems to me, they are to pretend there's no gray by dyeing their hair some "fake natural" color. Because women aren't supposed to age, right?

Sponsored by the Pittsburgh Consortium for Adoption Studies, Barbara gave a talk called "What White Adoptive Parents of African American Children Should Know." She also discussed her work at a luncheon in Pitt's Social Work Department, where she revealed some particularly interesting insights about adoption, race, and hair.

She hates how the photo on the cover of her book--depicting a White mother's hands braiding a Black daughter's hair--shows sloppy braiding technique.

"That's not me and and my daughter!" she declared at both events. "I would've had that part straight!"

Following this comment at the luncheon came a discussion about hair, the stereotype of the White mom and her mixed or Black child wearing a wild head of kinky hair.

It's not simply ignorance, Barbara pointed out. Letting the hair be its "big beautiful self" is a well-meaning sentiment from White mothers but the problem is they don't have the historical context to know what that really means. It's one story when an African American woman walks around with her Afro'd child but an entirely different story when a White woman does it. She said she was certain to groom that hair and groom it right because she knew the significance of what she was doing.

I sat quietly during the conversation. One part of me glad that this time I didn't have to be the one to bring it up or the one people think is crazy for making so much out of hair. (I always feel this comfort around African Americans, particularly in the salon.) Perhaps another part of me felt vindicated for my own hair experience. Yet another part of me--the core--was sad that this is still an issue.

One of the soc. professors said that in the field it remains a source of anguish that Black kids are being fostered in White homes. One prof said it was a form of cultural genocide, implying that hair could be a marker of this.

"Genocide" is a strong word. Not sure if I agree. But another word often comes to mind when I think of adoption--especially considering the high rates of cross-race adoption and economic circumstances that typically cause relinquishment in the first place: Colonization. Because, like Barbara went on to point out, adoption always happens from a position of power. Homeless people don't adopt. I've wondered if it's possible to adopt without that colonizing power dynamic. I might-possibly-maybe want to adopt one day, but this troubles me. I don't want to colonize.

But then...really what can you do? Leave the child in foster care because you don't want to participate in that model? Adopt the mother too? This is something Barbara said she'd questioned herself about: "If I'd given the money I spent on my kid to her mother, could I have kept a family intact?" Impossible to answer.

Impossible. Many questions about these subjects elicit this word, as socially constructed issues like race and systemic issues like adoption are nearly impossible to change on an individual level.

Luckily, hair is not.

Hair Trick for Greasy Roots

2011-04-14T18:46:00.000-07:00

Most people with curly/ethnic hair like mine do not have a problem with greasy hair. It's the opposite--we're always looking for ways to extra hydrate. But tonight had me thinking about tricks that people with hair I'd always imagined as ideal and "easy" use to deal with hair dilemmas.

It started when two White ladies told me what is apparently common knowledge in the world of authentic straight-blonde living: When your hair gets greasy 'cause you just can't wash it every day, put some baby powder on the roots. It will soak up the grease and will blend into your light-colored hair. (It also works if your hair is gray.) I never knew this when I was playing the blonde girl years back, though my hair was so over-processed and dry that putting anything else in it--even something mild enough for a baby's butt--would've probably caused it to fall out.

Don't use too much or it will turn your hair white, the women say.

So there it is. My first thought after listening to the girls describe this hair trick was that it was interesting but will never relate to my life. Then again... Though now I'm a veritable expert on mixed-chick kinky hair, just watch-- one day I'll birth a child with surprisingly straight, blond hair. Or maybe I'll adopt one. That's exactly how life works, right? Whatever you believe you're perfectly prepared for doesn't happen. But at least now I'm armed with one trick if a little blonde comes into my life.

Adoptees Getting Published: Other Tongues Anthology

2011-04-12T10:05:00.000-07:00

Normally I don't like to toot my own horn (probably 'cause there's not much to toot), but, along with transracial adoptee Lisa Marie Rollins, a piece of my writing is published in a new anthology called Other Tongues: Mixed Race Women Speak Out. Mine's a wee essay about appearance and how the "mixed" look is commodified in advertising and other ways. Mostly my observations and personal experiences which are naturally wrapped up in discussions of hair and adoption. Some awesome writers whom I adore are in this anthology, such as the famous poet Natasha Tretheway. Which is really why you should buy this book.

The editors have sponsored a few release parties, mostly in Canada. Hopefully there will be more stateside readings and launches, and I'll post updates here so you can come and listen, cheer, laugh, weep and support the celebration and contemplation of mixedness.

Keeping Up with PA Adoption Legislation

2011-04-11T15:36:00.000-07:00

Check out this site solely dedicated to tracking PA adoption legislation: The Pennsylvania Adoptee News Blog.

Currently we are hoping that House Bill 963, which restores access to original birth certificates to adopted adults, gets through. It's a "clean" bill, meaning not a bill with lots of restrictions for access such as requiring birth parent consent forms, special court orders, or that adoptees must be born before a certain year before they can get their birth certificates. Right now it's stalled because rumor has it the General Assembly is focusing on education and taxes. Necessary issues, yes, but we can't let the adoptee rights issue get ignored. Please visit the site above for information on writing or calling your representative.

American Adoption Congress Conference Next Weekend in Orlando

2011-04-10T08:51:00.000-07:00

Next week is the big AAC conference, and this year it's in Orlando. If you are a person in the triad of adoption (birthparent, adopted/fostered person, foster/adoptive parent), you should go. Especially if you don't have community with others in your situation elsewhere. To be among those who share your experience is life giving. It made a big difference for me when I started attending conferences a few years ago. Unfortunately I can't make it this year, as I went instead to the AWP writers conference in February where some transracial adoption writers shared their work (I blogged about it here).

Other than community, the AAC Conference has a lot to offer anyone interested in adoption--not just triad members. Discussions and presentations from scholars, writers, social workers, psychologists activists, and other experts. Learn the latest about legislation, adoption psychology, trends in adoption, etc. Better than what you get on this blog, that's for sure.

Here's the flyer for the AAC conference with more info:

American Adoption Congress
32nd Annual National Conference

Many Faces Of Adoption

Orlando, Florida

Wednesday, April 13 - Sunday, April 17, 2011

The Florida Hotel and Conference Center

Orlando, Florida

Great Workshops, Films and Keynote Presenters

Go to our website to view the online conference brochure and registration information.

www.AmericanAdoptionCongress.org

The American Adoption Congress is comprised of individuals, families and organizations committed to adoption reform. We represent those whose lives are touched by adoption or other loss of family continuity. We promote honesty, openness and respect for family connections in adoption, foster care and assisted reproduction. We provide education for our members and professional communities about the lifelong process of adoption. We advocate legislation that will grant every individual access to information about family and heritage.

Tried and True Trick for Itchy Scalp

2011-02-16T08:56:00.000-08:00

As a teenager, whenever I'd complain of dandruff or itchy scalp, my mother would tell me to douse my head in mouthwash. Though I hated to admit when she was right, this little trick worked every time. Even after I went away to college and discovered that the reason most every scalp/hair explanation or ritual my mother had proposed ended in epic failure was that my hair was actually "ethnic" (vis-a-vis birth culture discoveries/identity crisis) and could not be treated as simply White-person-curly hair, the mouthwash strategy remained a go-to for irritated scalp. Inevitably, the mouthwash will come in contact with hair, but it seems that hair, in any texture, doesn't react--it made no difference whether my hair was relaxed, bleached, half-kinked, or all natural. The roots never complained.

Say you have dry winter head when December hits, which is what happens to me. Or after a workout your head itches to no end and you just washed your hair yesterday and can't wash it again today or it will bloom into a giant, dried-out Afro. Get out the mouthwash. (Fluoride rinses do not work. Nor do non-alcohol based mouthwashes.) Pour a capful on your scalp, and immediately the minty liquid tingles and seals the pores. Rinse. Done. Problem-free scalp that lasts at least a week or two.

The only other thing I've found that comes close to soothing scalp is tea tree oil, but it doesn't always work right away for me. Mostly I stick with the mouthwash, and every winter when I reach for the bottle of Scope before stepping in the shower I think, "Guess what, Mom? You were right."

Adoptees in Philly Discuss Searching

2011-02-13T08:28:00.000-08:00

Philly-based adoption advocate Bob Hafetz was featured on the local news. In this short interview he discusses searching for birth family and what he found. It's not the rosy reunion you'd see in a Lifetime movie.

Ode to Black Hair from Willow Smith

2011-02-11T04:46:00.000-08:00

You've probably heard Willow Smith's "Whip My Hair," but did you know it was inspired by Sesame Street's song "I Love My Hair" released weeks before? (I blogged about it months ago here.) The Sesame Street version was a direct result of an adoption story (the creator is a White adoptive dad of an African girl who told him one day she wished she had straight blond hair), and Willow is continuing the trend. Forty million YouTube hits. Nice work, Willow--we need more positive hair reinforcement like this in the mainstream!

Of course, there's always the voice of dissent and bitterness when you talk about Black hair. The most recent viewer comment in response to the video is this: "Black women have an identity complex and thats why so many of them try to emulate white women by wearing perms,weaves, and even blonde wigs and blue contacts lol slavery really screwed you people up."

Sigh. That person needs whipped in the face with some hair--the braided and beaded kind.

Calling All Birthparents

2011-02-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

The American Adoption Congress has taken this opportunity with Oprah's story in the media to encourage biological/natural/birth parents to come forward and sign petitions for support of original birth certificate access for adopted adults. I recently heard that when advocates in Oregon collected 500+ signatures on a similar petition in 1998, they drew the attention of a Seattle newspaper that ran it as a full-page ad, which helped change public opinion in that state regarding the need for access. Oregon is now one of the few states that allows adoptee access to original birth certificates.

Please forward the link below to any birthparents you know.

Calling All Birthparents

THE ADOPTEE ACCESS MOVEMENT

NEEDS YOU!

Click here to add your name to the cause

Thanks for supporting adoption reform.

Panel on Adoption Writing at National Writing Conference

2011-02-08T05:16:00.000-08:00

Last week I attended the Association of Writers and Writing Programs Conference in DC, and was surprised to find a panel on writing about adoption. Normally I only see those discussions at adoption-specific conferences, so it had me wondering if adoption writing is becoming more mainstream. The panel was called "Finding Identity in Cultural Margins: A Reading and Discussion on Transracial Adoption" and featured Korean-American poets Dana Collins, Jennifer Kwon Dobbs, and Lee Herrick. (Two AA memoirists were scheduled to participate but couldn't make it due to weather.)

Dobbs read from her book Paper Pavilion, containing poems written before and after she visited Korea. Dana Collins read poems about connecting with her family abroad, specifically a sister. The essence of poetry, of course, lies not in what it's about but rather in its words, the images it conjures, the emotion it renders. Dobbs poetry to me is like a breath. It is ethereal, imaginative, stern. She dreams about pulling back a curtain and seeing her own conception. Collins poetry describes contrast and bright colors--it is a painting, a bright red cherry atop a white cupcake.

Why are so many adoptees drawn to write? The writers explained that "For transracial adoptees, separation from biological lineage leads to searching for what defines family and home." Keyword: search. To write is to search. To search for answers, to make real an experience of unremembered separation. In many ways we are blocked from searching for our families, due to sealed records, rules/regulations, or even our own emotions. But nothing can block someone from searching on the page for answers, for an image to rest against when you can't find your mother's arms.

Oprah is Touched by Adoption: A Sister Given Away

2011-02-07T10:30:00.000-08:00

I'm a few weeks behind in posting about this, but sometimes it's good to let the stories simmer for a while before jumping in--often what remains unsaid is what I hope to highlight here.

On her show two weeks ago, Oprah revealed that she has a half-sister, named Patricia, who was given up for adoption in 1963. Oprah was nine years old and living with her father at the time, and she hadn't even known her mother was pregnant.

Patricia began searching for her birth mom, Ms. Vernita Lee, in 2007. Ms. Lee refused to talk to her. Eventually she got through to Oprah via a niece. Oprah was naturally skeptical at first, but finally her mother--as the reports say "reluctantly"--revealed that it was true. Oprah seems most touched by the fact that Patricia kept the whole thing a secret instead of selling the story to the media.

What's our take-away lesson? There are several, I think. Many of us in the adoption community hope that when adoption touches a celebrity and results in media attention people will recognize the underbelly of the adoption process and help us change the system. Most of all the closed-records structure that perpetuates a culture of unhealthy secrecy. Some of this secrecy is rooted in shame, and laws that conceal personal information only reinforce this. Obviously Ms. Lee was not keen on being contacted by her relinquished daughter. Rumor blogs say that she didn't want the show to run, either, but participated because she felt she had no choice (she appears later on the Jan. 24 episode). No doubt Ms. Lee needed time to digest the reappearance of her daughter. I suspect, though, that part of why she was "reluctant" about meeting her daughter or letting word get out is because of shame, a feeling many birth parents report experiencing.

People should be able to keep personal matters private, yes, but it gets complicated when your perceived "right" to secrecy or your feeling of shame or embarrassment impinges on another person's right to knowledge of self and family. I hope Ms. Lee is working through any shame now, and has sought supportive resources for sharing her story with others who have similar experiences (such as Concerned United Birthparents). I hope people are telling her again and again it's not shameful that she placed a child for adoption. I hope the media will stop using the words "hidden secret" in headlines about this story--why not "surprise sister returns" or "lost sister found"?

I hope, too, that people truly hear Patricia as she talks about why it was so important that she find her roots. Even her children expressed joy at seeing someone who "looks like [them]" and "has the same mannerisms." We must recognize that this knowledge is important in an unquantifiable yet fundamental way. Let us allow for openness and acceptance. Let us heal together these wounds of separation.

Further reading:
Huffington Post
Speakeasy
Oprah.com (Patricia's failed attempts for contact with Ms. Lee)
Declassified Adoptee blog (excerpts from several bloggers' responses to Oprah's story)

Note: Oprah's new network OWN will begin airing a series called "Searching For," which follows a professional genealogist who helps people connect with lost loved ones, next Monday at 9 PM EST.

In Honor of MLK: I Have a Dream...

2011-01-17T18:56:00.000-08:00

...that one day there will be no foster kids.

Can you imagine what that might mean? That all mothers/fathers, in all circumstances, will have the support they need to keep their children. No children will be raised separated from their birth culture or divorced from ethnic ties. Orphanages will not exist. Adoption agencies will not exist. Adoption search specialists will no longer be needed--no more for the show "The Locator." Closed records will be a thing of the past. No more adoption memoirs. No more adoption conferences and advocacy organizations. No need for support groups or therapy to deal with loss, grief, separation, abandonment that comes with adoption. No need for "culture camps" to connect transnational adoptees with their birth culture. No more transracially adopted girls struggling with ethnic hair that doesn't match their parents' and the constant wondering (and sometimes fear) about where it came from.

No more of this blog.

Moms Living Clean Documentary

2010-12-27T11:43:00.000-08:00

Filmmaker Sheila Ganz is putting together a documentary about mothers trying to get clean from substance abuse in order to keep their kids--specifically at a rehab facility called Center Point Inc in California that support recovery while providing childcare (so the women don't have to be separated from their kids as they recover--a stressor which no doubt would make recovery even harder and is always tough on kids.) I saw a portion of the film at a conference last year--it's quite moving. Ganz notes that we need more programs like Center Point so that children of women trying to get clean don't get automatically placed into foster care. Ganz still needs funds in order to complete the film--please help support! Here's the Web site with more info on how to help.

Moms Living Clean - trailer from Sheila Ganz on Vimeo.

Christmas and Donor Clinic Kids

2010-12-19T20:52:00.000-08:00

Kids conceived via anonymous sperm donation were the subject of a study earlier this year by the Institute for American Values cited in this New York Times opinion article. The study found that donor kids had much of what we call "genealogical bewilderment" that adopted kids have, even worse, as well as other issues about accidentally marrying a sibling and concerns over the way they were brought into the world. I find it hard to believe that generally their reactions are more severe than adopted kids', as often they at least know one of their biological parents, right?

Confession: That little conservative twitch within me finds the whole donor thing a little weird and colonizer-like, and maybe unfair--to deliberately force parental anonymity. But I'm embarrassingly unknowledgeable on the donor subject and am reluctant to say much about it until I find out more and--even better--talk to a donor-conceived person in real life. Anyone have suggestions for books to read? I've only come across a few books meant for toddlers or YAs.

A donor conceived person's comment on a support group forum:
"I want to find [my father], but...it's just hard. The ***** banks don't see my situation as equivalent to an adoption, or a bum, runaway dad. This man gave me my life; he's a part of me, whether he intended for that to happen or not. Humans are not machines; we are emotional, we are needy, we have desires and curiosity. There's a veil over so much of who I am. How could he--and the bank--think nothing would come from all of this?"

With the holidays coming up, I'm pondering the conception of that famous guy Jesus. Christians believe his was a sort of anonymous father; Mary's hymen was still intact at his birth. Parentage was so important at that time--what tribe you descended from, etc. Surely Mary fed him the "you are special" line that all adoptees get. No doubt kids on the playground gave him heck about his shady origins. And saying that God was his father? Classic adoptee fantasizing. (My bio father was Michael Jordan or Tupac for a long time, and my mother Marilyn Monroe.) Maybe he always knew that God was his father and had no issue or struggle with not knowing the face of a human father whose blood formed his genes. Perhaps it shouldn't be such a shock that Jesus rejected familial--bio or no--ties as an adult, in favor of a worldview in which God is our "father" and everyone is family in the Spirit.

When you don't know your roots, it's hard. And there are moments when you really do see everyone as potential family. At least I did. But we're not all Jesus. Our lives--no matter how we're conceived--are better when we have the chance to know our roots.

Biological Fathers

2010-12-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

In conversations about adoption we don't hear enough from biological fathers. It's true that the responsibility for a pregnancy lies more with the mother in a physical sense (she has to carry the child in her body!), but I don't necessarily agree with the viewpoint that pregnancy is a something a woman has a "right" to control totally. I don't want to parse words or gray areas here--I realize the issue is complex and varies case by case. My point is that I wish we as a society--in cases of adoption specifically--would give men more of a say.

Of course, I'm biased. My adoption agency did not contact my biological father for his permission for my relinquishment like they were supposed to back in 1981. And so he never knew about me. One of my cousins told me shortly after our reunion that it's a shame, because the family might have wanted to keep me. Several of my cousins grew up together like siblings as their parents shared caretaker responsibilities. Apparently my father used to pretend that his niece was his daughter when they were in public because they look alike and he'd always wanted a daughter.

Ok, I didn't mean for this to turn into my memoir. Originally I wanted to highlight this case in Ohio in which a bio father asserted his parental rights after the mother had relinquished his son to an adoptive family. The adoption agency did not follow the rules of gaining paternal consent. Once the man discovered he was the father, he spent nearly 3 years fighting to gain custody of his son. In September the court ruled that the son be granted to his bio father. The adopters initially defied the order to return him, the supreme court granted the temporary stay, then a few weeks ago the courts again ruled that the boy be given to his father.

What angers me is that everyone's all upset that the kid has to be ripped away from "the only family he's ever known" and given to a man whom they claim doesn't deserve him because he didn't call the adopters to check up on the child and therefore he never actually cared (nevermind that he began fighting for custody immediately after finding out that he was the child's father.)

Please. Yes it's sad that the kid has to go through an uprooting, but it's not the father's fault. The adoption did not follow acceptable practices in contacting the father and gaining consent. And just because the process was flawed, that doesn't dilute the fact that the man is the child's father, period.

The adoptive family, of course, has a Facebook page decrying the "unfairness" of the court's ruling, gaining the sympathy of 6,000 fans.

I'm with the father on this one, and--for once--with the courts. Fathers should be given a choice before a child becomes a ward of the state. I suspect more of them would step up to the plate than we think.

Rod Stewart is a Bio Father

2010-12-15T12:54:00.000-08:00

Recently reunited with a daughter who had been given up for adoption (he had her as a teenager, when he was "stone broke" and "didn't have a pot to piss in").

It appears that the daughter waited until her adoptive parents passed away before reuniting with her famous father.

YouTube video of Stewart's interview with Joy Behar here.

Report on Problems with International Adoptions from Vietnam and What Critics Say

2010-12-14T18:55:00.000-08:00

In September the Schuster Institute for Investigative Journalism released a report called "The Baby Business," which detailed many cases of fraudulent international adoption practices from various countries, with particular attention to Vietnam. The report uncovers cases where mothers went to the hospital to have their baby, then were told they had to pay enormous hospital fees to obtain their child and next thing they knew their child was gone. Or women who were told their children would be taken to orphanages for temporary care while they recovered from "medical conditions" and never returned.

The U.S. document cited in the article below.
Disturbing Cases of Fraudulent International Adoption

Child trafficking (for example, stealing children and selling them to adoption agencies) is nothing new. The Hague Convention on Intercountry Adoption in '93 set requirements to prevent such activity, which the U.S. has implemented since '08. But we still adopt from many countries that are not part of The Hague plan, which means we ought to pay special attention to adoption practices in those countries.

First of all, we definitely don't want abused and unwanted children to stay in their homes--a stable home for them is the highest priority, even if it means launching them to another country. If doing away with international adoption isn't the answer (and I don't think it is), is more government regulation the key? How can we implement it?It's important to note that it's not just the adoptees and birth families that get screwed when international adoption doesn't follow best practices: adoptive parents get charged astronomical fees and rarely receive adequate information or the education and support for adopting.

Experts respond and give their advice here. Mostly they say more regulation by feds isn't gonna cut it. They vote for more transparency overall, and more education and support for adoptive parents. More accountability for agencies.

Yet, while we improve these inter-country adoption practices, let us continue to hope for a world in which adoption--international or domestic--isn't necessary.

Winter Hair

2010-12-12T16:20:00.000-08:00

Just found this amazing blog called "Curly Nikki," created by a psychotherapist and natural-hair diva. She is incredibly dedicated to hair and finding good products and practices for transitioning to and maintaining natural hair. Check out her 2010 Winter Hair Regimen, which includes twice-monthly wash/conditioning and then clip-setting the hair for twist styles. (This concept of "stretching" the hair after a wash to prep it for a style is new to me--I need to try it!)

Sadly, I haven't been keeping up with my playing with hair projects, nor have I been experimenting with styles or new products. (Though I did reintroduce princess-leia puffs the other day.) And lately, as winter settles in, I've noticed that my hair is asking for more moisture. Whatever I've been using as a leave-in conditioner isn't quite cutting it. I'm not sure what I expect from a hair product before I use it--I still feel like I haven't quite reached my best hair potential--but I know when it's not working. The frizz factor sets in after a wash. If I don't blow-dry the roots immediately after, they stay wet and pressed to my head while the rest frizzes into the wind. Chunks of it continue to matte near the roots. I seem to be at a stopping point with length--does that mean it's just the length my hair's meant to be, or is breakage happening without my notice?

My hair is about 15 different textures depending on where it sits on my head, which probably means I should be using more than one product on it (I'm not.)

It's time to kick it in gear! Which is why I was grateful today when a new friend brought me a bag of hair goodies--products she'd bought for her natural hair transition that haven't worked for her. (How many friendship seeds have been planted by random hair conversations in my life? I can think of at least 4.) Here are the goodie bag products that I'll begin testing soon--my hope is that by breaking it down by ingredient I'll figure out which exact oils/minerals work best for my hair:

Creme of Nature leave-in conditioner. Featuring lemongrass and rosemary.
Mizani hairdress. Shea and cocoa butter.
Garnier "Survivor" putty. Cactus extract.
Surf Head texturizing paste. Mainstream chemical stuff + beeswax.
She also turned me on to KinkyCurly's Knot Today leave-in detangler and Curling Custard gel, which I've started to use. It's gooey! Horsetail, chamomile, nettle, aloe, marshmallow, agave nectar, mango, lemongrass. As for effectiveness, the jury's still out.

Right now I use, at varying frequency:

Dark and Lovely Peppermint Shampoo. Though it contains tea tree oil, the sodium lauryl sulfate is too harsh and usually leaves my hair with a "stripped" feeling.
Palmer's hair milk with olive oil and vitamin E. Doesn't do much. Doesn't hurt, but doesn't seem to help the dry-curl either.
Curls quenched curls moisturizer. This spray works great, especially after a shampoo, for keeping my hair smoothed and moisturized. White tea extract, corn starch, pomegranate seed, wheat germ, bean tree, chamomile extract, "amino acids."
Curls curlicious curls shampoo. Mainstream chemicals + silk amino acids, carrot seed, sage leaf, horse chestnut. Works well--though not without the conditioner--and smells great.
Curls curl ecstasy hair tea conditioner. Aloe, mango butter, shea butter, green tea, chamomile, ho shu wu extract, soy protein. The tea might be what really makes these Curls brand products work. I remember when my "hair father" Alphonzo gave me Paul Mitchell Tea Tree cleanser/conditioner, and I was born again. It treated my over-processed hair so well that, along with Alphonzo's help, I gained the courage to go natural.
DevaCurl No-poo cleanser and One Condition conditioner. Chamomile, mint, peppermint rosemary, hops, grape seed, wheat amino acids, oat aa, soy aa.
Deva Heaven in Hair deep moisture treatment. Doesn't work as well as the other Deva products--includes more butters than oils. No grape seed or amino acids.
Carrot oil. Alone it doesn't do much but make my scalp smell like V-8 Splash.

There it is. Curly Nikki has inspired me to pay heed to hair as I should. I hereby pledge to keep up on my hair experimenting and will report back with product updates in the coming months. An addition to my New Year's resolution list!

The Absurdity of Closed Adoptions

2010-12-04T09:44:00.000-08:00

Check out powerhouse adoption advocate Jean Strauss's article in the Huffington Post detailing the absurdity of closed adoptions. (Absurd sums it up perfectly.) It focuses on a case in my homestate Illinois: an adopted woman found pre-cancerous breast lesions and her doctor told her to get BRCA DNA tests to see if she carries the gene for breast/ovarian cancer. Her insurance company refused to pay for it because she couldn't prove family medical history. A judge refused to release her records, stating that he'd only do so if she had Stage IV cancer. Outrageous, right? Emphasis on rage. Luckily Illinois is opening records next November, but still--time might be of the essence for this woman, and it's not fair that she must wait.

Please visit the article and add comments. The more the media and legislators see that this is an important issue for many citizens--not just the thousands of adoptees whose physical and emotional health are affected--the more likely changes will be made in the 40 U.S. states that continue to seal birth certificates.

PostSecrets from inside the Adoption Triad

2010-11-30T06:57:00.000-08:00

I swear my roommate finds as many (if not more) references to adoption in media/movies/news than I do.

A Post Secret, one of many I've seen from an adoptee, adoptive parent, birth mom:

But then a rebuttal from another secret-poster:
Birthmoms,

Please oh please don't believe all adopted kids feel this way. I need you...Please look for us. I'm looking for you.

Postsecret seems a perfect fit for sending your secret, scary, confusing feelings about adoption--the things you're too scared to say aloud--as they are anonymous. It's congruent with the culture of closed adoption itself, what with all the name changing and grief and secrets. But when I read a Postsecret from someone touched by adoption it makes me sad because I fear that person is alone with his/her feelings and may not have any other way to explore them. That's a very isolating place to be.

Zara Phillips Again

2010-11-30T06:44:00.000-08:00

Check out this video showcasing the creative advocacy work by talented adoptee Ms. Phillips (her music video with DMC at the end). The American edition of her book is coming out early next year.

Remember Betty Jean Lifton

2010-11-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

Last Friday the adoption world lost a longtime friend and advocate, Betty Jean Lifton. She wrote Twice Born: Memoirs of an Adopted Daughter in 1975, which detailed her experience growing up adopted in an era that enforced extreme secrecy when it came to adoption. It was one of the first major books published about the adoptee's emotional experience. It also admonished the practices of closed adoption at a time when nobody wanted to hear it. She wrote many other books about adoption, dealing with grief, searching, and more. But not only did she write important books, but they were good books of high literary quality too. I admire her as a writer as well as an open records advocate. She also helped countless folks as an adoption therapist.

She will be missed by many.

Find the full obit from the New York Times here.

National Adoption Month and the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption

2010-11-22T11:35:00.000-08:00

It's November and National Adoption Month, when adoption gets more attention in the media and adoption agencies around the country increase their advertising (and partly why I haven't posted as much this month--everybody else is doing my work right now!)

Take a commercial from the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption from their "I'm Just a Kid" campaign. It's true that you don't hear much from DT about the problems of foster care or the complications of, for example, cross-racial or cross-cultural adoption, but there's one thing you've got to hand it to them for: they keep their ads focused on the kids. Because THAT is what adoption should be about. (No "here's how you can complete your family while rescuing someone" bent.) You don't see a lot of adoptive parents or huge smiling families in their commercials. This one shows all different kinds of kids at all ages and mostly Black who are waiting for homes. An accurate portrayal, from what I know.

Some adoption people out there are gonna hate on me for being so kind to the Dave Thomas Foundation, but I think it's valuable to take a moment and recognize the good of what's happening out there too.

Sesame Street I Love My Hair

2010-11-09T08:50:00.000-08:00

"Don't need a trip to the beauty shop, 'cause I love what I've got on top...I love my hair, I love my hair," sings the new little Muppet girl.

White adoptive father of an African-born girl and Sesame Street writer Joey Mazzarino co-created this song and character in response to his daughter who one day declared: "I want my hair long and blond like Barbie or a princess." (AP)

The Youtube video quickly gained more than a million hits.

Mazzarino didn't realize that by exploring this he was entering into a long history of discussion and debate about AA women's hair.

I too have a Dad who didn't understand why his little curly headed girl cried for long, straight blond hair. In fact, I first heard about this story from my father, who got choked up reading an article about it. That darn blond beauty standard is so embedded! Hard to pinpoint where or how it enters the conscience. It has a lot to do with images, advertisements, television, etc., I think. (I've written an essay on this very topic, which will be published in an anthology called Other Tongues later this year.)

As always happens, viewer comments on the video and others produced in response are filled with fightin words. People get very defensive about hair. Girls who relax their hair do not like to be accused of trying to be White, of being mired in a slavery past. It's just hair, they say, and they've got a point. At the same time though, I think it's important to confront it and provide positive images of Black women with natural hair, especially for adopted Black girls who won't see reflections of themselves in their parents or perhaps even in their surrounding community.

Kudos to this proactive dad!

Reconsider Columbus Day

2010-10-11T12:45:00.000-07:00

Here's an ad from reconsidercolumbusday.org, which urges citizens to take into consideration ALL of Columbus's deeds, including how he opened up the way for the transatlantic slave trade. It also proposes that we honor, instead, the indigenous peoples who were here long before Columbus.

Chicago Naturals Meet-Up Oct. 9

2010-10-03T18:02:00.000-07:00

Here's the e-mail announcement:

After much anticipation, Black Girl with Long Hair is back with its Fall meetup for Chicago Naturals, Saturday, October 9, 2010 from 11 a.m. to 3:00 p.m. at the Murphy Hill Gallery (3333 W. Arthington St., Chicago)!

The meetup features a haircare discussion, product swap & vending and will be followed by an afterparty at Tantrum Lounge (1023 S. State St.) from 9 p.m. to 1 a.m.

Meetup entrance fee is $3. The afterparty is FREE!

Sadly, I can't be there. But if you're in Chicago next weekend, you should go and tell me all about it.

Troy Polamalu's Hair

2010-09-29T12:40:00.000-07:00

Troy Polamalu has the best hair in the NFL, hands down. I'm not even sure exactly how he crams it all under his football helmet. He has said publicly that he embraces his hair as an expression of his Samoan heritage, and he hasn't cut it since a coach forced him to back in 2000. What I wonder is, exactly which products does he use? It looks so healthy!

The latest new about his hair came last month, when Proctor and Gamble insured it for a million dollars. I mean, look at those curls...how could they not?

Writing for Liberty and Justice: Jordan Miles

2010-09-21T14:01:00.000-07:00

Strangely, although I've mentioned the Jordan Miles case several times on the blog, I haven't dedicated an entire post to the trajectory of the case. Here goes.

Jordan Miles is the Pittsburgh kid who was so brutally beaten by 3 White officers that his face looked like this:

He was unarmed, walking from his house to his grandmother's down the street, when the officers in plainclothes attacked him. Later the police claimed they had thought he might be armed and on drugs. He was neither.

It seems his only crime was being Black and outside at night.

This case has garnered much local and national press, because Jordan Miles happens to be a straight-laced honors student at one of Pittsburgh's most prestigious arts academies. There are no ambiguities here: police were the criminals that night.

The city has largely ignored the issue. The policemen involved are on a temporary suspension during which they are being paid more than they make on duty. (Nice punishment, huh?) The Feds have stepped in, but still nothing has happened.

Sadly, this kind of thing isn't all that rare. Most people know this. As a recovering country bumpkin, I am still baffled when I hear of it, especially when it happens less than 5 miles from my house. So this weekend I attended a rally/march to demand justice for Jordan. And I've chosen "writing against injustice" as a central theme for the two writing classes I'm teaching this term. My students will read about the case (in a media packet I've put together--you may read/download below) and write about it.

These are but small things. Tiny steps to conquer an issue that seems too big. But together with others fighting for peace, may we scale the mountain.

May a better day come.
JordanMiles_MediaPacket

Lorrie Moore's novel A Gate at the Stairs

2010-09-16T06:21:00.000-07:00

Lorrie Moore's most recent novel has an adoption theme. It's not necessarily the main theme but rather is presented as a synecdoche of the whole story. The main character is Tassie Keltjin, a Midwestern country girl newly arrived at college, who embraces learning, literature, and intellectual snobbery while navigating that push-and-pull relationship with her roots and shifting identity typical of her age. When she takes a job as a nanny for a 40-something white couple who are adopting a biracial baby girl, she's given a new identity to try on as well as an outsider-yet-insider vantage point on the adoption.

Tassie accompanies the adoptive mom to meetings with social workers, a foster family, and a birth mother (note: this would never happen in real life!), observing the complex gains and losses of the situation. She seems to be the only one who sees the birth mother's pain. Tessie cares for the baby every day, takes her shopping and on walks in the park, gets the questioning looks from strangers wondering what a white chick is doing toting around a brown baby. She feels wounded when someone yells "nigger!" at the child. She babysits while eavesdropping on the a-mom's discussions with the few people of color in town about raising brown children in a white world.

A lot of things in this story rang true for me. A car keeps driving by the house. Tessie notices the a-mom's fear about it is not fear of the racists she thinks herself so vehemently opposed to but rather "the gone-missing birth father...she imagined it might be he who was driving past, having somehow found out Mary-Emma's new address." Fear of the birth parent returning, and in this case an even scarier prospect: the black male birth parent. Moore brilliantly describes that sort of silent, bubbling prejudice against difference (an adopted kid, a biracial kid) that can exist in the rural Midwest. It's the kind that everybody knows about but nobody talks about. The kind that, "like mold, grows in secret, dark places."

Overall, I think Moore deals with the adoption in a nuanced way, creating believable characters that are all deeply flawed but doing their best. That is often the conclusion I come to in adoption stories--it's full of fathers and mothers and children who are flawed and hurting but doing their best in a situation of loss.

The little adopted girl grieves her losses and bonds with the new people around her, though it is not without complications. Her life is shifting and changing constantly, much like the life of her country bumpkin nanny whose world is expanding at lightening speed.

From a literary standpoint, there are, of course, shortcomings--some events were device-y and had a tagged-on feeling, and the ending seemed rushed--but Moore gained so many points with the adoption stuff and her beautiful language that I still give it a thumbs-up, especially for people interested in adoption or Midwest culture.

Program to Keep Ethiopian Adoptees in their Home Country Instead of Overseas

2010-09-13T19:54:00.000-07:00

Ethiopia is becoming the nation of choice for international adoptions. Part of the reason is that they've had fairly lenient rules about the adoption process, and therefore adopters can get kids quicker. Another reason is that they have an overwhelming number of orphans (something like 5 million).

Well, here's some good news: The Ethiopian government, faith-based U.S. charity the Buckner Foundation, and Ethiopia's Bright Hope Church are teaming up on an experimental project to help orphans thrive in their home countries rather than be put up for adoption overseas. It's a program that provides two meals per day + education to hundreds of Bantu orphans. Read about it here. (Thanks to Lisa Marie for the link.)

I'm a bit surprised about the Buckner Foundation, as they seem to support international adoption and provide transnational adoption services. Perhaps this is a new experiment for them--we need to let them know it's a good thing!

It's encouraging to see the growth of a program like this that recognizes the importance of a child staying close to his/her home culture and family if at all possible, making international adoption a last resort. (The usual disclaimer: That's not to say international adoption is always "bad," or that many kids have benefited from it, but we know that cross-culture/cross-race adoptions must be treated with care. We have to consider what will be most beneficial and least traumatic for the kid.) A program like this will have a lasting positive impact on Ethiopia and its economy and its working population, moreso than a temporary fix of permanently sending the kids abroad.

POV Adoption Documentaries on PBS

2010-09-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

Check out PBS's Point of View series on adoption, part of a national public awareness campaign to examine issues facing adoptees and families who choose to adopt. The next one, In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, will air Sept. 14. You can also watch them online. (See link to trailer below.)

Spread the word!

Also, they are featuring the film Off and Running, which I posted about here back in February.

Watch the full episode. See more POV.

Pittsburgh Consortium for Adoption Studies Events

2010-09-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

Talks
Elizabeth Samuels, law professor at the University of Baltimore, is speaking on the history of closed records in the U.S. (Get the attention of legislators for this one!)
When: Thursday, September 30, 12:30 pm
Location: University of Pittsburgh Law School

Jennifer Kwon Dobbs, Korean TRA and activist/poet/professor, "Toward Truth and Reconciliation: Overseas Korean Adoptee and Unwed Mother Advocacy," with
Eleana Kim, from University of Rochester, "The Dry Eye of Adoption Politics: Testimony, Social Justice, and Representation Among Transnational Korean Adoptees"
When: Friday, October 15, noon
Location: University of Pittsburgh Posvar Hall

Poetry Reading
Jennifer Kwon Dobbs
When: Friday, October 15, 4 pm
Location: University of Pittsburgh, Cathedral of Learning 2nd floor

Film Showing
First Person Plural, A documentary by and about a Korean-American adoptee
(NYTimes review here)
When: Thursday, October 14, 7:30 pm
Location: University of Pittsburgh Posvar Hall

You Only Have One Mother!

2010-09-09T15:36:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this from Lincoln Memorial hospital in Springfield, Il., where Mom is recovering from post-radiation surgery to remove cancerous tumors. Thankfully, the director of the writing center was very understanding about my leaving town and my teaching duties mid-week even though the semester just started. As I spoke with her on the phone, trying to figure out how I could rearrange appointments and/or get someone to cover for me, she said, "Go. Just go."
Her next words threw me for a loop:

"You only have one mother! Right?"

Um...well, not exactly.

"Y-yes," I cringed and said, to keep things simple and move it along. Her question kept creeping into my thoughts during the 9-hour drive to Illinois. I do have two mothers--my birth mother, who gave me life and relinquished me into foster care/adoption, and my adoptive mom, who raised me. I wondered whether my birth mother has ever had major surgery, and I was sad that I didn't even know the answer. I wondered whether I would jump in my car and drive 9 hours if my b-mom were having surgery. I think I probably would, if I knew she wanted me there--but sadly, it would take more consideration. I'm just not as close to her, and sometimes I feel that our relationship is strained. I always try to recognize and validate her role in my life, but truthfully I am much closer to my a-mom. We've had many more years to work on getting along and growing a lasting connection.

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I think the relationship is difficult for my birth mother. How could it not be? At its root is heartbreak, loss, a relationship established and terminated almost immediately post-birth and restarted 25 years later. This is the nature of adoption.

As I watch Mom's painful recovery from a surgery not unlike a Cesarean birth, I think of the pain my birth mother must've experienced when she gave me up. Someday my birth mother and I may be closer, I hope. I have always thought of her and loved her from afar, and she has said it was the same for her. Perhaps all that thinking and loving an absence can make it hard to bring a relationship to the "reality" realm, the in-touch/in-person world. It may take a few more years before both of us are ready to drop everything and meet the other in the hospital.

So, the answer is "no," a simple "no." I don't only have one mother. They are different, they have occupied different spaces in my life. But in the end, my love for them is the same.

Quran Burning

2010-09-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

Why is it that extremists get the most attention?

Take this Petacostal minister in Florida who wants to institute an annual Quran-burning event to mark the anniversary of 9/11. I'm not sure what his goal is: to scare people away? To incite hate? To get attention from President Obama? Because it sure won't display the love of Jesus. And why is it that the media insists on giving this guy so much attention? I agree with Hillary Clinton's remarks:

It is regrettable that a pastor in Gainesville, Florida, with a church of no more than 50 people can make this outrageous and distrustful, disgraceful plan and get the world's attention, but that's the world we live in right now.

This in the midst of the whole debate about the mosque-building on Ground Zero, which is a ridiculous debate to begin with in a country that allows freedom of religion.

Meanwhile on 9/11 this year, East Liberty Presby in Pittsburgh will be hosting an interfaith prayer for peace. People from various faiths (Jewish, Muslim, Catholic, Protestant, Baha'i) plan to gather to walk the labyrinth together and contemplate how to live in peace. Will that get the attention of any news outlets? Doubt it.

Fear and divisiveness are loud. Hope and peace are much quieter.

Adoptee at the Doctor: Comic

2010-09-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

From www.adoptedthecomic.com

The Cost of Speaking Out

2010-08-31T18:29:00.000-07:00

Several happenings today had me thinking about the cost of speaking up, speaking out against touchy subjects such as race and adoption. Society likes to see things in binaries--right/wrong, black/white.

Take adoption, for example, especially transracial. The rhetoric of adoption in the media is often one of praise for and celebration with adoptive parents. We don't like to consider, for example, the sadness behind Sandra Bullock's adoption of a Black American child. We want to celebrate with her, call her a hero. I get that. Smiles are easier and more fun than sad faces. And I'm not knocking Bullock for her decision to adopt--there are many things about this situation that make it "better than" other situations (in some ways it might be less disruptive as taking a child from a foreign country, and it's true that a forever family is a better choice than forever foster care). But it doesn't take away from the fact that her adoption reflects a lot of things that are wrong with our society. Why there are so many minority children in foster care in the first place, how our society values Black motherhood. Racism. It's there, folks. We're still working on it. And a child that is torn from its natural parents is sad, okay? That sadness doesn't have to take away from the joy of an adoptive family, but it needs to be there. We need to make space for it.

Whitney Teal, in her article Sandra Bullock, Transracial Adoption, and the Worship of White Motherhood, dared to be critical of media and society's viewpoint of adoption, mentioning Sandra Bullock's adoption as an example of wider issues. Oh the backlash! People got defensive, said Teal was borrowing trouble, making a mountain out of a molehill. One commenter said:

"This as just another issue to pull the race card out for yet another unnecessary debate. Racism would more than likely not be such an issue IF Racism wasn't made Into an Issue at any and every scenario."

In other words, shut up/quit bitching about racism because you are the one making it exist in the first place.

Another: "[this article] pissed me off. It comes off like a speech subtly AGAINST interracial adoptions, which just sounds racist in itself. It also comes off like the author is demonizing Bullock for having the audacity to adopt an African-American baby."

Teal responded to commenters, trying to explain that she was NOT being personal but was angry at the circumstances that bring black children into the child welfare system and about how whiteness is valued above other races in our society.

It sucks to talk about this stuff. It sucks to realize your own privilege, or to feel like you're being attacked because you are part of the dominant group. I know how it feels to be viewed negatively because of your race--I've had it on both sides. That's why it's so important to have compassion when talking about these things. But we still need to talk about them.

Almost every time I post about adoption, pushing against the mainstream viewpoint, I get at least one angry comment from a reader accusing me of being harsh or ungrateful or ignorant. Most of the time I view these as, to use Obama's rhetoric, "teachable moments." And opportunities to articulate my stances even better. But sometimes constantly defending your viewpoints is just exhausting...It's exhausting to try to prove to someone who says racism doesn't exist is wrong. It's exhausting to explain why seeing a White family adopt a Black child is complicated (not bad necessarily, but complicated.) It's exhausting to constantly explain why there should be full access to birth certificates for adoptees.

Especially when it happens with someone close to you, as happened to me today. Someone whom I'm close to, who is smart and whom I respect tremendously (and who is a person of color). It made me tired. And sad. To think that I don't explain my views well enough, day-to-day. To recognize how much of an outlier I really am sometimes.

I start to wonder, am a really just making mountains out of molehills?

Today I interviewed a professor at Pitt, who has organized artists and is curating an exhibit on Cuban racism at the Mattress Factory Museum called Queloides (keloids, which refer to scars--literal and metaphorical).

Apparently racism has increased tenfold since the collapse of socialist economy in the 90s, and artists have been using visual art as a means of speaking out. The exhibit first ran in Cuba earlier this year. Almost immediately after the exhibit opened, the professor was banned from his native Cuba. He's gotten plenty of other criticism too, for speaking out. People have said these issues don't exist. They tell him to shut up.

But he won't.

I suppose that means I shouldn't, either.

Hair Straightener--The Mall Kiosk Man Attacks!

2010-08-25T13:07:00.000-07:00

Here I am walking through the mall when a little man approaches me and says,

"Honey, I love your hair. Do you ever straighten it?"

Not much, I say, thinking he has the most unoriginal pick-up line ever.

"Because it takes too long?" he asks. Now I see what he's up to.

Well, yes, and because straightening too much is unhealthy. And (gasp) I like my curls.

Then he grabs my arm and hustles me off to his little kiosk, where he shows me his "revolutionary" flat-iron-curling-iron-blow-dryer, made by the Italian company Amika. He says it actually makes the hair healthier. He asks if he can straighten a hunk of my hair. I tell him I don't have that much time. He says he can do my whole head in ten minutes. Yeah, right. He said that once I see the amazing work of the flat iron, I will fork over $200 for the thing and will want to straighten my "crazy" hair every day. There it is: the stereotype that curls = bad/crazy/unruly and straight = pretty/tame/professional.

I have to admit that straightening my hair can be fun. And unfortunately, at times I play to the straight = professional thing when I wear straight hair to an interview or first day of work or the first day of a class I'm teaching. But by Day 2 I'm back to curls. I definitely won't do it every day.

I turn to the little man, who is holding his little iron and looking hopefully at my hair.

No, thank you.

Peoria, IL, Police Given a "Pass" on Racial Profiling?

2010-08-24T10:45:00.000-07:00

I'm a little confused by this Peoria Journal Star article, which describes how the NAACP is giving South Peoria police a "pass" on racial profiling. What does that even mean?

The NAACP president acknowledges that crime has gotten out of hand in certain areas and that it's important the organization "work with the police to help resolve the problems." Um, isn't that what they're supposed to be doing anyway? What's between the lines here is the history of racial tension in this Central Illinois area, the issues that have brought the area to NAACP attention in the first place. Obviously the police feel as though their ability to do their job has been hindered by the organization's policing. But I still find it odd that they would describe their "working together" that way, especially using loaded words like "pass." And, at least it appears to me, without clearly defining what exactly they mean by "giving a pass."

Hopefully the police will get it right. It's probably crucial for the NAACP to give recognition to them when they do.

Here's my favorite reader comment, a reminder that there's still work to be done:

"I have one thing to say to the NAACP. If you don't like the Profiling. Don't Fit the Profile. If you're innocent, you won't have trouble."

Really what s/he means is that if you're innocent-looking, you won't have trouble. Good luck, Peoria.

Facing Race Conference in Chicago in September

2010-08-23T12:48:00.000-07:00

Check out the Applied Research Center's conference on racial justice and other issues: "Facing Race serves as a focal point for organizations and individuals committed to crafting innovative strategies and successful models for changing policy and shaping culture to advance racial justice." (arc.org)

The conference is in Chicago this year, which is home(ish) for me. Van Jones will be there, among other big names. Wish I could go!

You can win a free trip to the conference by writing the best headline. Enter the contest here.

The Jordan Miles Case Continues

2010-08-22T18:49:00.000-07:00

As we await justice for Jordan Miles (the kid who was brutally beaten by police when walking to his grandmother's house seven months ago), the Pittsburgh police officers under investigation are earning some good money from the city.

As reported by the City Paper, the police officers, who have been placed on leave from the force, have been receiving inordinately large paychecks. Larger paychecks than they get when actually working. Paychecks that include overtime, costing the city nearly $100,000 of taxpayer money.

I don't understand why these cops haven't been dismissed. Some people are even insisting they do jail time for their crime. They beat up an unarmed teenager. They lied about saying the kid had a Mountain Dew bottle that they mistook for a weapon.

It's tough to look at the kid's face post-beating, but here it is.

The city needs to crack down on these police officers and send a message that this kind of senseless brutality from the people who are supposed to protect us won't be tolerated.

You can get involved with the Justice for Jordan Miles campaign and the newly formed Alliance for Police Brutality here.

Color Blind: A Memoir by Precious Williams

2010-08-22T12:16:00.000-07:00

It's a new memoir about an African girl growing up the fostercare system in Britian.

My friend and fellow adoption advocate Kate interviews the author on her blog, where she dispels the notion that Britian is "racism-free." (I hate when people from other countries say to me "America has such issues with race--we don't have that" Please!) She articulates the connection between colonialism and transracial adoption:

"In Britain we tend to pride ourselves on being happily multicultural – I think my books asks some questions about whether that is really true. Trans-racial fostering and colonialism are closely intertwined. Many of the African parents who felt giving their children to white strangers would ensure the child had an advantage absorbed this idea while growing up under colonial rule themselves, back in Africa."

Check out the full interview here.

Racial Profiling Legislation

2010-08-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Check out this Colorlines Video showing interviews with Black men in Brooklyn:

Nothing new, right?

So what can we do about it? In clicking around the Colorlines site, I found a link to this Rights Working Group organization, which spearheads campaigns against profiling.

Also, there is an End to Racial Profiling Act in the House, though I'm having a hard time figuring out whether the issue has been tabled or not. The House Judiciary Committee held a hearing on 6/17/10 regarding racial profiling in law enforcement. (The link to documentation is dead, however.) If it's been pushed aside, then what we need to do now is contact our representatives and tell them to revisit the issue. Writing to representatives really does make a difference--I'm often surprised by the number representatives in PA, IL, and NY who respond when I write to them about adoption legislation. (Good news to come on the PA adoption bill, by the way.) So find your rep here, and write away!

Muslim Woman Denied Foster Parent License Because of Pork-Free Home

2010-08-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

A Muslim woman in Baltimore was denied her fostercare license because she does not allow pork in her home. She is Black, a mother of five, married, and a former foster kid herself. She passed screenings and 50 hours of training. The agency is, of course, denying that anti-Muslim bias had anything to do with their decision to deny her, stating that she just seemed "inflexible" during interviews.

I first heard this story on The Daily Show, and I kept hoping it was a joke. In their parody "Pork or Parents" below, they ask 4 foster kids whether they'd prefer A.) their group-home situation with lots of pork, or B.) a stable foster parent home. (Notice they are all Black. Notice they are not laughing.) You can guess their response.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

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Pork or Parents

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This is outrageous. The woman lives in a decent neighborhood, she can relate to foster kids in a way many foster parents cannot, she wants to open her home to kids who don't have one. We need more foster parents everywhere in this country. There's a trend I've noticed even with the small agency I work with--the good foster homes that are willing to take any child for any length of time eventually end up with 12+ kids in their home. The need is that bad.

Let's get our priorities straight.

Black Hair Blog

2010-08-16T09:15:00.000-07:00

Check out this awesome and beauty-licious blog called "Black Girl with Long Hair: Celebrating the Dopeness of Natural Hair," which features haircare tips and styles from naturals around the world.

It's based out of Chicago, where the writers have started sponsoring meet-ups where folks can congregate and celebrate...HAIR. I love it. Celebrating natural/ethnic hair always feels like a type of protest for me, as for many of us it's tangled up in issues of race, femininity, beauty, self-esteem, and identity. Celebration of this hair is celebration of being a Black woman, of not conforming to the straight-hair beauty norm of yore. It is freedom.

Just because...Here is my hair, free and natural, at a writing workshop that celebrates/nurtures minority writers (I always have my hands in my hair when I'm writing for some reason):

Next time I'm in Chicago I am calling Tara, my birth cousin--whose hair is just like mine--and we are gonna check out one of those meet-ups. I'll be calling you too, Ronni!

Now, if I could figure out how to get Pitt to sponsor bringing this author to campus...

Tough Economy = More Poverty = More Adoptions?

2010-08-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

This NYTimes article from late last year examines the number of adoptions in our current tough economy. NY Agencies had expected an influx of children placed for adoption, thinking that higher poverty rates are often correlated with higher birth rates (I find this logic problematic--more on that later) and more relinquishments due to financial strain. But it didn't happen. Rates actually decreased.

Some speculate that birth mothers are going through private, non-agency channels with individual couples, because often they'll receive more $ for medical expenses, etc. (But then again, I'm thinking, maybe there are fewer adoptive families able to pay high prices for private adoption.)

One expert's guess: Maybe moms are just trying to keep their babies...single motherhood is becoming much more accepted anyway.

It's anybody's guess. It goes to show that you can't predict these things, and that there is never just one single factor involved in complex human decisions and transactions in regard to family, unexpected pregnancies, and adoption. Maybe it's sad news for hopeful adoptive parents, that there may be fewer children on the market. But, I'd say it's a good thing that there aren't more kids being put up for adoption. Hopefully struggling mothers are getting more help, and children can stay in their families. This is, after all, the best outcome.

Community Action Against Violence

2010-08-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I attended a gathering/protest in Garfield sponsored by a faith-and-social-justice organization called Pittsburgh Interfaith Impact Network. Garfield is a mostly minority neighborhood that has been plagued by violence for I don't know how long--too long. At the protest, people from the community--young and old--shared testimonies of what it used to be like growing up in the neighborhood, what it's like now, and what they hope it can be one day. Several mothers talked about losing sons to street violence. (Leaving how many wives without husbands and children without fathers?)

Then came a call to action directed toward the police force (2 officers were in the audience), asking for more police presence in the neighborhood.

At first I was skeptical. More cops does not always equal more safety. We all know stories of police misusing their power in minority communities--consider Jordan Miles, a Pittsburgh honor student brutally beaten by police while walking home, or Oscar Grant, an unarmed Black man shot by BART police in Oakland last year. Reminders why Connie Rice's work against police violence is so important. She once told Sun Magazine, "to create a movement, you have to have alliances." And at this meeting I began to see a community building an alliance with police.

Neighbors stood up and requested specifics--"two security cameras installed at key points in the neighborhood," "at least 3 K-9s patrolling with officers," "more officers walking the streets" and therefore engaging with, and being part of, the community instead of simply marshaling from afar. I realized these tangible, specific, and not unreasonable requests, given in a compassionate manner, are what really had the potential to affect change. And the hope behind each voice. The officer responded to each request, saying that they had secured security cameras and they're working on getting more K-9s. Speakers acknowledged that it's not the police force's fault, but more the city's fault for not providing enough funding to hire more cops.

At the end, the police officer said he had heard, he had listened, and the police will not ignore or forget them. He asked that the community give them time to work toward these goals. Perhaps the police won't forget them, but will the city continue to do so? I hope not.

Help Stop an Ineffective Adoption Bill in PA Today

2010-08-09T10:46:00.000-07:00

Here's a letter from the Pennsylvania Adoptee Rights regarding two bills going through PA legislation right now:

Dear Advocates,

As you may have known, there were two bills in the Health and Human
Services Committee that seek to change the portion of adoption law
that governs an Adult Adoptee's access to identifying information.

HB 1968 is the BAD bill (not full Original Birth Certificate access). HB 1978 is the GOOD, equal rights, bill (full access).

Unfortunately, despite all of our outpouring of support for HB 1978,
it is still sitting in the HHS Committee. HB 1968, on the other hand,
has made its way out of committee and is now before the PA House of
Representatives for consideration.

It is of utmost importance that HB 1968 be defeated. HB 1968 not only
does not change the current law much at all; it actually makes it
worse. Worse even yet, should HB 1968 pass, we worry that legislators
(1) will believe that the law is improved when it isn't and (2) won't
want to re-address this issue and portion of law, and will leave HB
1978 to die in committee.

Basically, this other bill, which may appear to legislators to be a compromise that pleases people on both sides of the argument, may make things worse for adoptees. If you can spare a minute, please contact the primary sponsor of the bill, Representative Sonney at csonney@pahousegop.com. Your support really does make a difference--look at what we were able to do in Illinois with HB 5428! I get my birth certificate November 2011!

You can join the PA Adoptee Rights group or keep up with legislation info at www.adopteerightspa.org.

Vaseline's Skin-Lightening Cream

2010-07-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

The Web is in uproar over Vaseline's New Skin-Lightening cream marketed in India and in a Facebook app that allows users to lighten their skin in profile photos.

When I was in China a few summers ago, I blogged about this strange "skin-lightening" rhetoric I noticed on creams that appeared to be simply sunscreens or "complexion balance" products. I knew it was connected to class-based attitudes valuing white-collar jobs that don't require outdoor labor, but I couldn't figure out if people realized the racial connotations too (usually people denied it or acted confused when I asked.)

Well, apparently in India there's the same rhetoric in advertising, and some people DO recognize the racism behind it. This Vaseline Men line is the first of its kind marketed exclusively for men--skin-lightening creams have been around for decades for women--no surprise there. In this article, one man says that this whole thing perpetuates a "I want to be fairer craze" that's sweeping India.

The cream's product description claims to even skin tone and remove "dark spots" caused by too much sun exposure. Okay, I like that terminology better. It's a less offensive way to think about it, and I hope that's the real reason why men are using it, not to "lighten" their natural skin tone.

But still.

It's a good sign, in my opinion, that people are upset about it. No matter the manufacturer's actual intentions, AWARENESS is the first step to racial sensitivity. It's necessary if we are to ever move forward.

Some dude comments on the product's Facebook page: "from the outlook of a European american guy seeing an ad for Indian men to lighten their skin to become like white men; i find this racist and a bit offensive. being white does not make you look good. i find this borderline NAZI thinking and that needs to stop."

Biracial Hair Blog Post on Naturallycurly.com

2010-07-10T09:57:00.000-07:00

I've started a hair blog on NaturallyCurly.com. And right now, if you start a new one through this link, you'll be entered to win a HerCut curly hair product giveaway. Check out the link and tagline below.

Biracial Hair: "Like many multiracial curlies, I've experienced salon horror: a terrible razor cut, a Dorothy Hammil cut turned mushroom-shaped puffball. Finally, I've learned better care practices for my hair, and that the best cut is the not-so-often cut!"

Cancer and My Adoptive Mother

2010-07-05T16:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted as often as usual the past month, partly because I've been dividing my time between PA and my parents' home in IL. My mother has endometrial cancer. Though we've caught it pretty early (Stage I and II), it's still scary.

A few things Mom's said have made me think about our family situation, how we are not related by blood. Her cancer is the same cancer that afflicted both her mother and her grandmother. "Well, at least it stops here," Mom said to me. "This cancer stops with me."

(It reminds me of author Cheri Register, whose adoption book I read a few months ago. She suffers from chronic health problems, which was a major factor in her decision to adopt.)

Also, anytime a woman has a hysterectomy, hospital protocol is to offer counseling services for coping with the loss of the possibility of bearing children. But, as Mom pointed out, she had to grieve that loss 30 years ago, when she and my father realized they could not have kids the traditional way.

Mom is in good spirits, ready to get the treatments and surgery over with. She even laughs when she says: "My woman parts have grown nothing but cancer, so I just want them out!"

Witnessing an Adoption

2010-06-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

Today I witnessed an adoption finalization, at the courthouse in downtown Pittsburgh. It was the last step of the adoption of F and T, brother and sister ages 15 and 16. I met them as foster kids last year at the adoption agency where I serve as a mentor. The two were taken in by a family last November, and now, after months of molding their lives together and lots of paperwork, it is official. In many ways, the whole thing reminded me of a marriage ceremony. The kids were given a new last name. The lawyer asked the adoptive parents questions affirming their commitment, such as:

Do you understand that this child can inherit from you, and you from the child?
Do you promise to provide for the child's needs?
Do you promise to love and nurture the child?

It was a happy day. The kids had been waiting for a home for a long time. It can be tough to place teenagers--many people prefer younger kids. And just one as opposed to a pair. But I know these kids will light up their parents' lives--they are incredible, smart, and strong.

It was not my first adoption finalization, but of course I don't remember my own, which took place when I was six months old. But I have asked my parents about it and have recreated the moment many times in my mind. I know it was every bit as meaningful and touching as what I witnessed today. The making of a family.

Blah Girls on Adoption

2010-06-07T16:32:00.001-07:00

Silly cartoon girls make fun of celebrity adoption.

Blah Girls Adoption - watch more funny videos

My Church Is a Diverse Place

2010-05-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

This is one of the reasons why I love my church. Its slogan is this: "...inviting all to join our diverse, inclusive family of faith, transcending boundaries of race, class, ability, culture, age, gender and sexual identity to become one in Christ."

When I first moved to Pittsburgh, I wanted to find a church that was diverse (what that meant to me at the time was a place where both Black folks and White folks attended--something I'd never experienced and felt a need for.) As often happens, God exceeded my request. The congregation at East Liberty Presby is not only diverse in race, but also in class, sexual orientation, age, and more. It's not just White and Black people going up to the altar--there are Asian people, gay people, old people, young people, handicapped people, mentally challenged people, PhD students, former Catholics-Methodists-Baptists, families, single moms, adopted kids, and more.

And tough topics about racism and sexism are not avoided. The president and CEO of the NAACP, Ben Jealous, is coming to worship June 6. We just finished a movie/discussion series entitled "Race: The Power of an Illusion."

Now, of course this church is not perfect--as I've noticed with organizations with so many different people together, sometimes it's hard to satisfy everyone...some voices are heard more than others, some groups are represented more than others (I wish there could be more people my age). But its diversity is unique, and I believe it's what Jesus would approve of. This is what I find beautiful.

TV Show Glee: Adoption Theme

2010-05-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Have you noticed the adoption themes cropping up in Glee? I've only caught a handful of episodes, but after watching the last two and observing the delicate and authentic way a complicated adoption story was portrayed, I am committed to catching up with the show.

The two most recent episodes featured Rachel's story as an adopted daughter of two gay men. Apparently the birth mother, Shelby, was a surrogate mother for the men (I wasn't sure if that meant one of the fathers was a bio father? Doesn't appear so.) Rachel's boyfriend asks her about her deepest dream, the one that keeps her awake at night.

"What's missing?" he asks.

"My mother," she says.

Rachel imagines her mother as a famous broadway star (how very typical!) Quickly she locates Shelby, who had secretly found her first. The two look eerily alike, and both are talented singers--and thus a few moments of musing on genetics and inheritability.

Quickly, though, the excitement dissipates. Both mother and daughter realize they had unrealistic expectations for reunion (though moreso the mother, I thought). Shelby realizes that Rachel doesn't need a mother, that it's too late for her to be there for Rachel in the way she wants to be, and then decides they should go their separate ways. She basically rejects Rachel again. Before they part, Rachel asks if they can sing a song together. They do, thus fulfilling Rachel's lifelong dream to sing with her mother.

I don't think Rachel's feelings of rejection were explored much. The adoptive fathers were not present--I'd like to have seen their reactions to Rachel's quest. The search process was truncated to fit among several other story lines in a 45-minute show. But overall I was impressed with the depth of issues that were explored in this adoption story, and that they were not oversimplified or sugar-coated to meet the typical mainstream POV. Nice job, Glee.

Ronni Goes Natural

2010-05-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

My friend Ronni is now what hair enthusiasts call a "transitioning diva"! Slowly but surely, she's growin' her roots out.

Here she is before, hair all-processed.

Here she is rockin' the kinks.

I love these curls--aren't they cute? I mean, she's beautiful any way she does her hair, but she been wanting to be free from the creamy crack and live chemical-free for a while now. Go girl!

RUN, a Transracial-Adoption-Themed Novel

2010-05-27T14:57:00.000-07:00

Run by Ann Patchett

Two Black brothers, Tip and Teddy, are adopted by Boston's White mayor Bernard Doyle twenty years ago. The adoptive mother dies four years later, and for much of their lives the boys are grieving the loss of this red-haired woman, perhaps more than thinking about their biological mother who had surrendered them before that.

Then one wintery night, an accident and chance encounter with a woman who has secretly been part of their entire lives makes them consider their adoption in a new way.

Overall I found this tale deftly written, with plot twists and surprises that made it nearly impossible for me to put it down. Of course, I read very carefully to see how the race-adoption themes were dealt with by this White author who may or may not have a personal connection with adoption (I couldn't find much in initial research).

I was pleased to see that Patchett writes a refreshingly nuanced view of adoption and race, without--as Mixed Race America author points out here--dwelling on either topic heavy-handedly. Readers get a clear sense of Tip and Teddy's characters, and see that they are aware of how adoption and race play into their lives but yet do not feel defined by them. Sure, one could say that maybe Patchett didn't go deeply enough into all the issues, but there were those moments that reminded me that she knew what she was doing. When discussing whether to bring home the girl whose mother had gotten into an accident, Doyle says, "I don't think they'd let us walk out of [the hospital] with a random little girl." Tip replies, "Not a random little white girl, but a random little black girl? I don't think anyone's going to stop us at the door."

I like the uniqueness of this story as it is centered on male perspectives. As I've discussed numerous times, the adoption world--academic writings, memoirs, social work, support groups, conferences--is overwhelmingly populated, at least visibly, with women. Here it's an adoptive father who is shocked and protective when considering the possibility of a birth mother suddenly showing up. Here are two adopted sons, who react very differently to their adoption and the emotions surrounding their abandonment.

Teddy discusses wonderment about their mother.

"I'm not interested," Tip replies.

The birth mother is given a large presence in the novel, though her voice is one that only readers hear--the other characters don't. For that, it is sad, and maybe left something to be desired--I haven't decided yet. It's something all too common with adoption: those many things left unsaid, misunderstood.

I don't intend this blog post to be a complete spoiler, so I'll stop here. But for those interested in adoption, or even those who just love a good book with socially relevant themes and lyrical language, I highly recommend reading Run.

May is Mixed Experience History Month

2010-05-15T15:50:00.000-07:00

It's Mixed Experience History Month over on Heidi Durrow's blog. Each day she writes short profiles of important mixed folks in history--Bob Marley, Edith Maude Eaton, and more. I just love all the work Heidi does carving out a place for multiracial identities. Hard to do in our bifurcated society that prefers to see people as one thing or another--not both. Check it out!

Embryo Mix-Up Baby

2010-05-12T18:05:00.000-07:00

You've probably heard about the fertility clinic mixup, where a woman accidentally ended up carrying another couple's (The Morell's) embryo. The woman, Carolyn Savage, carried the child full term, then gave it to its biological parents. Unbeknownst to her, she became a surrogate mother! The Today Show featured the Savages while Carolyn was pregnant, and then the happy bio parents with seven-month-old Logan Morell last week.

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On the show the Morell's talk about how grateful they are to Mrs. Savage for carrying their baby full term. They are calling him their "miracle baby," and they've written a book about the experience. They are on good terms, it appears, with the Savages, and they keep them up to date on Logan's progress. They even visit at Christmastime.

But, when the Morell's appeared on the Today Show last week, the Savages were not there. They said they were not yet prepared to talk about the events, that they had been much more difficult than anticipated. Of course, I'm thinking, it just make sense. Carolyn bonded with that baby for nine months. She had to relinquish him right away, just as though she were a birth mother giving up her child for adoption. This woman's decision situation was just as harrowing as a birth mother's. She had to decide between either aborting the child or giving birth and then giving it up, and she had originally WANTED to get pregnant in the first place.

At least the Morell's are acknowledging Mrs. Savage's sacrifice, and treating her as a mother who should be part of her child's life. I hope that adoptive parents see this and recognize the importance and sacrifice of their child's birth mother.

Women Who Love Too Much

2010-05-12T17:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you read a book that changes your life. I’m going to get a little more personal than usual on this post, in hopes that it will reach a woman who needs to read this. The book is called Women Who Love Too Much. With a copyright of 1985, it might seem ancient, but I believe its message remains powerfully relevant.

Author and psychologist Robin Norwood describes women who love to much: when being in love always means being in pain. When you are inexplicably drawn to destructive men, abusers, alcoholics, or emotionally unavailable men, men who cannot possibly love you fully. You believe that the yearning-knot feeling in your stomach while in the throes of a bad relationship is love. What it really is: sickness. Often it goes back to childhood, similar to Frued’s “repetition compulsion,” an unconscious need to repeat the dysfunction of her home life or relationship with her father in adulthood because it remained unresolved.

Norwood says a key component in the “loving too much” disease is that there must have been a strong atmosphere of denial going on in the childhood home.

How does this relate to adoption? For me, and maybe for other adoptees, the perceived instability of being an adopted member of the family might magnify a child’s reaction to dysfunction. Though it's getting better, I often here stories of denial still playing a part in adoption—whether it be denial about the dysfunction in the home or denial of the adoption as a whole (the adoptive parents’ denial that the child’s feelings of insecurity or fear of abandonment is real, that the child’s desire to know about familial roots is authentic, or maybe that the child’s race—if different from her parents’—matters at all.)

As the daughter of a sexual abuse victim, and placed in a family because that abuse prevented my parents from having kids, I somehow took on an unconscious desire to “fix” my father’s melancholy. If only I were good enough, he wouldn’t be sad anymore, and I could get the emotional nurturing that I needed. (And I would secure my place in a stable home and not be abandoned again.)

Notice the motivation behind the actions? It’s not selfless, sweet martyrdom. It’s fear for self, which fuels desire for control. Unhealthy cycles, that unless we become aware of and work hard to change, can actually control us. Lead us into unhealthy relationships where we will suffer the same as we had long ago, where we will continue to replicate that unresolved situation and try to gain control over it. And, unfortunately, where we can hurt others as well. We must learn that we can’t change another person or help him heal—he must do it on his own. A big part of my understanding of this came when the past few years as I witnessed my father finally heal, through intensive therapy, support groups, writing, etc. I had nothing to do with it.

It’s fascinating how the subconscious works. Maybe no one ever blatantly tells you that you have been "abandoned"—they couch it in friendlier terms: your mother loved you so much that she gave you up, your mother put you in a better home where you could have both a mommy and a daddy. But somehow as an adult you find yourself taking breakups particularly hard, and you might discover that somehow you have a deep fear of abandonment.

Knowledge is power. I believe this truism holds particular weight when it comes to the unconscious, and things that have been imprinted on us in childhood before we could be conscious of them. It also applies to adoption--note that essential knowledge is often withheld from adoptees (biological roots, original birth certificates). But, if Norwood is right, there are too many women out there--adopted or not--who love too much. If you can identify, I urge you to read this book. It might make all the difference.

Adoption Discussion on CNN (sparked by Sandra Bullock's recent adoption)

2010-05-10T08:45:00.000-07:00

Fellow adoption activist and transracial adoptee (+overall awesome woman) Lisa Marie Rollins was featured on a discussion about transracial adoption and "why it's controversial."
Don Lemon begins the show asking this question, in light of the sometimes non-positive reactions people are having to celebrity Sandra Bullock's recent adoption of a Black American child. He obviously finds those reactions surprising, thinks it's odd that people aren't simply praising Sandra for "saving" the Black child from a lifetime of foster care.

It's amazing to me the profound ignorance of so many people in the mainstream about these issues. It shows how much adoption is shown from only one side, that so often we fail to recognize the powerful forces behind why those kids are in foster care in the first place, and also fail to validate any feelings from an adoptee that are not "grateful."

In her blog post about the show, Lisa points out that CNN was confusing transracial adoption with two white parents with mixed-race bio kids with mixed parentage. Big difference. However, you can still see Ms. Walsh's exoticizing of her mixed kids, saying that they were a "welcome racial curiosity" in their white communities.

Overall, I'm proud of CNN for giving voice to a transracial adoptee--it happens so rarely! And I'm proud of Lisa for being so eloquent and saying what needed to be said!

Today is Birthmother's Day

2010-05-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

Today, the day before Mother's Day, is considered by many in the adoption world to be Birthmother's Day. It makes sense--the birth mother came before the adoptive mother. She is the first mother. Mainstream society rarely recognizes the birth mother post-adoption (especially in closed adoptions), as though her role is complete after the child is placed. Not true.

An amazing birth mother I know recently wrote about the complex feelings she experiences on Mother's Day (see Three Roots Adoption).

Earlier this week when picking out a card to send to my birthmother, I realized many of the cards, in their attempt to be universal and yet specific, didn't apply. They said things like, "all those years when you changed my diapers, drove me to school" or "remember when you used to tell me never to give up?" What I needed, and what I eventually found, was something that simply said, "Thank you for being my mother." For giving me life.

Mom offered to drop off the mail that day, and before I could protest she grabbed the pink envelope from my hand and put it in the stack with others. She said, "Is that for Patti? For Mother's Day?" I nodded. "Good," she said.

We've come a long way.

I Graduated, and Wrote a Hair-Race-Adoption Book!

2010-05-06T15:55:00.000-07:00

That's right. After three heart-wrenching, joyous, challenging years at the University of Pittsburgh, I am officially a Master of Fine Arts in Creative Nonfiction writing.

My thesis is the longer, more personal version of this blog: a memoir tentatively called Growing Roots: A Story of Adoption, Heredity, and Hair. I wrote and rewrote and added to and cut and revised this manuscript several times, and I know it's not completely finished yet. But, I have a full draft. It's 226 pages. I'm ready for an agent or publishing house to love it and buy it, preferably for a million dollars! Just kidding. Honestly, publishing was never the main goal of this project. Mostly it was to write through unresolved issues of my own adoption, circumstances of which caused great turmoil and identity confusion. It is the story of why adoption is flawed in this country, why an atmosphere of SECRETS is not healthy. It is also a story of triumph. Yes, it is.

Amen.

More on Illinois HB 5428

2010-04-26T06:17:00.000-07:00

This is how the gov't is notifying birth mothers about the new legislation, giving them the opportunity to veto: notices will appear on the back of license renewals.

After talking to several adoption groups, it seems that this veto, which is not a default-type veto that requires action on the birth mother's part to reverse but instead releases birth certificates UNLESS the birth mother takes action to veto, is the best possible option (if a veto must be an option). In other states where this type of legislation has gone through, very very few vetoes were filed. Which is great news, and also proves that the perception that a majority of birth mothers want confidentiality and do not want their relinquished child to have information is wrong.

Bastard Nation is still voting "no" on the bill. It's not perfect, true. But to me, it really does seem like a victory: By next November almost every adopted person will be able to access his/her birth certificate.

Right now the bill is in the Governor's office. To encourage the bill's passing, you can go here and write a letter of support (if you agree with the law, of course): http://www.illinois.gov/gov/contactthegovernor.cfm.

Update on Illinois HB 5428

2010-04-22T07:42:00.000-07:00

It passed, yesterday 4-21-10.

Tough to weed through all the buzz about the bill--it's controversial and there are many misperceptions out there. Full text of the bill is supposed to be posted here, but it's not. However, here's what I can discern:

The bill is a restricted access bill, which--for now--restores rights to original birth certificates only to adoptees born before January 1, 1946. For adoptees born after that date, we're still potentially blocked--access is restricted according to preferences of the birth mother.

Again we see the confusion between access to birth certificates and search/contact between adoptee and birth parent: the first is a right, and the second is a choice. A birth mother should not have the right to block adoptees' rights to their own original identity. A birth mother should have the choice to request no contact. It's conflating rights with reunion, which are two different things.

P.S. Oregon, Alabama, New Hampshire and Maine have restored unrestricted access adoptees' original birth certificates in recent years. ~17,000 birth certificates have been unsealed, with none of the “social unrest” that was feared. (Bastard Nation)

In some ways, it's a victory, because more people have access to their birth certificates, which is a basic civil right (adoptees are the only people who are blocked from accessing their own birth certificates.) But it's not a full victory, because many, many people are still blocked. And, as Bastard Nation points out, having a partial-restoration-compromise-type bill often just adds more red tape and makes it difficult to convince legislators to revisit the issue in the future.

Now, in November of 2011, if no contact veto has been filed by a birth mother, then supposedly ANY adoptee can apply for his/her birth certificate. This date seems arbitrary, and the term "supposedly" was used by a fellow adoption advocate (have these provisions failed in the past?) It seems to me a light at the end of the tunnel, though a lot can happen in 18 months.

Hopefully I'll get my birth certificate next November, a few weeks after I turn 30!

Mixed Race Barbies in the UK!

2010-04-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

Check out the new line of mixed-race barbies released last month in Britain :

It appears they are part of the same S.I.S. line that released the African-American line last summer (see my 9.30.09 post.) Notice that each of these new mixed-race dolls has straight hair, but hey it's progress, I say!

Biological Family Steppin' Up to the Plate!

2010-04-20T16:32:00.000-07:00

Check out this multimedia story of a biological uncle taking in a niece and nephew he never even knew about.

It's part of a search-for-relatives program with the St. Louis Foster and Adoptive Care Coalition. The program focuses on seeking reunification, if not with a birth parents then with a birth family member (also known as kinship care). This is a better use of time and resources for the agency, as well as potentially better and more stable for the kids in foster care. Especially considering the fact that it can be so hard for these kids to find permanent homes, what with the popularity of international adoption instead of domestic, and the fact that most of these kids are not infants, which is what most adoptive parents want. It's sad to think that adoption has turned into an industry that caters to adoptive parents--sometimes at the expense of the best outcome for kids or birth families--because they are the paying customers, but often it is the truth.

We need more programs like this one!

Adoption House Bill in Illinois--birth certificates!

2010-04-11T19:46:00.000-07:00

As of 4/6/2010, Illinois HB 5428 has been assigned to the Senate Judiciary committee. This is a bad, bad bill that makes it even more difficult for adoptees to access their original birth certificates and identities. Please visit the petition site on Change.org to sign your NO vote to the bill.
The sum of Bastard Nation and others' arguments against the bill:

Identity is identity, whether you are adopted or not.
HB 5428 cannot be amended to support adoptee rights. It needs to die in committee.
HB 5428 contains a disclosure veto disguised as a contact “preference.” There's a difference between the right to identity and search or reunion. The former is a basic right of all citizens, the latter an individual choice.
HB 5428 penalizes adoptees who research their origins to the tune of $10,000 or more – for what non-adopted people refer to as “genealogy.”
Some adoptees cannot afford the existing intermediary program, or are not accepted into it.
The sole entity contracted to provide these services has pre-approval over petitions before the judge sees them.
There is no oversight nor accountability.
In states with birth certificate access, abortion rates are lower, and mothers feel more comfortable considering adoption knowing that their children, once adults, will have access to their origins.

Full Petition text:
"In the USA and all civilized nations, a birth certificate is the proof of the individuals existence and the cornerstone of his or her identity. Currently, when people are adopted in Illinois, they are issued a totally new and fraudulent birth certificate instead of a document verifying that they have been adopted. It's as if one's existence has been erased. It is a violation of the human rights of an individual who is most likely an infant and unable to defend his or her original identity.

It's time for this to end. To single out certain people for different treatment under the law based solely on their birth status is to create an unconstitutional minority of second-class citizens. It is long past time for adoptees to be treated as equal in these United States.

Lawmakers seem to be confusing the right of every adult to his or her own identity with the rights of another adult to confidentiality. This confusion flies in the face of two simple facts. One, women who surrendered a child to adoption were not promised that their name and relationship to said child would never be revealed. And, two, the confidentiality of both parties can be protected without anonymity. Adult adoptees should not be penalized and criminalized simply for wanting the same thing everyone else takes for granted: access to their original birth certificates.

Adoption reform advocates have long maintained that confidentiality and anonymity are not synonymous. Interestingly, the adoption industry's lobbying organization has even changed their rhetoric once they realized their error. In other states where this matter has been debated, courts have agreed that no confidentiality was ever promised in written form, and if promised verbally, was not enforceable.

There is no guarantee that a child relinquished for adoption will successfully BE adopted. If not, the child continues through life with the name they were given at birth and their original birth certificate is never sealed. And, if an adoption takes place, the mother's name is published in the newspaper and read out in court. Hardly a situation that provides anonymity. Contrary to myth, adoptee access to birth certificates does not reduce adoptions or increase abortions. In states with birth certificate access, abortion rates are actually lower, and mothers feel more comfortable considering adoption with the knowledge that their children, once adults, will have free and unfettered access to their identities.

The only thing that is worse than the absurd lengths to which state governments will go to maintain the “secrets” of private individuals is the greed with which the state and its designees will try to profit from them. This is particularly true in Illinois, where adoptees must go through the state's ineffective Registry and its accomplice, the expensive and often inaccessible Confidential Intermediary program. In fact, such programs require adult adoptees to contact their birth mothers in order to gain information, whereas access to original birth certificates would provide that information with no intrusion upon the mother at all.

Identity is identity, whether you are adopted or not. We call upon Illinois legislators to stand up for equal treatment under the law for all its citizens regardless of adoptive status, and to join with us in seeking to defeat HB 5428, the latest in a series of proposed laws that seeks to enhance the profits of the adoption industry at the expense of individual adoptees.

Further, we ask for sponsors of new, clean legislation that would restore the civil rights of adult adoptees to access their original birth certificates: “Upon receipt of a written application to the state registrar, any adopted person 21 years of age and older born in the state of Illinois shall be issued a certified copy of his/her unaltered, original and unamended certificate of birth in the custody of the state registrar, with procedures, filing fees, and waiting periods identical to those imposed upon non-adopted citizens of the State of Illinois. Contains no exceptions.”"

If you disagree with the bill, please visit the site and vote NO.

At first, I thought it right to vote no. Here's what I wrote to Senator Hultgren:
Dear Senator Hultgren,
I'm concerned with the new HB 5428 which puts additional barriers to adoptees accessing their original birth certificates, which is a basic civil right. It privileges one person's perceived rights over another's. In my personal situation in Illinois, the adoption agency (buttressed by the state's sealing of my birth certificate) concealed my racial background from myself and my parents, which caused a lot of grief as I grew up. They were also unhelpful in helping me recover simple information about my birth origins (info which, due to medical conditions of both my birth parents, was vital for me to know).

Let me dispute a common misperception: It's not about reunions. It's about rights. It's about information. It's about transparency. It's about making adoption a better, more healthy practice.

I do hope you will, with compassion, consider turning down this bill.

Sincerely,

Liberty Hultberg, Illinois native, born 1981 as Emily Hackett, adopted 1982

Novelist Heidi Durrow in Pittsburgh

2010-04-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

Heidi Durrow is finally here! I'm so excited to host her visit with Pitt's English department. For locals: She'll be reading from her new novel The Girl Who Fell From the Sky, tomorrow night at 7:30 PM in Cathedral room 501 on campus.

This book, which won the Bellwether Prize for best novel addressing issues of social justice, is about a biracial girl who is separated from her parents (hello adoption story?) She moves in with her grandmother, who has very strict ideas about race, as do her new peers. The book sheds light on modern multicultural issues in a delightful fiction story. It might even remind you of Toni Morrison's Bluest Eye. But it's also about family and loss, which speaks to adoption and kinship care, and how race can complicate shifts in family and environment.

You might remember my review of her book in this previous post, or my review on Hot Metal Bridge. The New York Times did one, too. And USA Today. She's hot stuff these days--you've gotta check out this book!

Mother Sends Adopted Son Back to Russia

2010-04-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

"Adoption is not rental," Adam Pertman, executive director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, told ABC news this morning.

Torry Hansen, 26-year-old single mother of Shelbyville, Tennessee, put her 7-year-old adopted son Artyem on a plane--by himself--back to Russia with a note saying "I no longer wish to parent this child." She says Russian orphanage officials misled her about Artyem's behavioral and emotional condition, that she was not prepared for his mental instability and violent behavior. After six months she was fed up and shipped the kid back like he were a dog that could be returned to the pound.

It is disgraceful how information was handled--it's the adoption agency's responsibility not only to screen parents but to prepare them for the challenges of adopting, especially a child that has been institutionalized. But here again we see an attitude of entitlement, of a parent not treating an adoptive child as truly their own. There will always be unexpected challenges with any child, biological or not. Would you just one day look at your biological child and say, well, I don't feel like dealing with this tantrum stage anymore, and since it's all about me and you're lucky to have a parent in the first place, I'll go ahead and dump you off somewhere. Absolutely not.

When you adopt a child who has spent several years abandoned by his/her parents and living in an unstable, institutionalized environment, of course the child will have baggage! Does that mean the child is any less deserving of love? Do we really only love in order to get it back? If we do, then that is not true love. That's not even a relationship. It's simply a self-serving transaction which unfortunately involves another person. To love is to serve. To love is unconditional.

This American Life did a show called Unconditional Love, and told the story of a couple who adopted a child from a Russian orphanage who, like Artyem, had severe attachment issues and at one point displayed violent behavior. They spent years going to therapy with him, instituted several practices in their home designed to help their child deal with the trauma of his past. The mother took time off from her job. They stuck with him, to the commitment they had made when they took this child as their own, even when it was tough, even though it put a strain on their marriage, and even though their son continued to act out. When the interviewer asks the mother how she could love and put up with a child so volatile and unloving, the mother seems almost irritated with the question and says something like this:
"You just do. I mean, he's my son. What was I supposed to do? He's my son. Of course I love him."

THAT is unconditional love. It's not dependent on the child's actions or what percentage of the time the child makes the parents feel good about themselves. And guess what happens in this story? I challenge you to listen to it without crying, without being blown away by the power of true love.

The Russian government is upset with the Hansen case and has called a halt to all international adoptions for the time being. I have to agree with them on this. Who will stand up for this child? Poor Artyem is going to have even more hurts to deal with now. What this woman who calls herself a mother did was completely disrespectful. If she wanted a flawless, mild-mannered child that loved her perfectly and immediately in the way she envisioned, she should have instead gotten a mirror. Or a puppy. She should not have adopted a child.

Birthing Project USA

2010-04-07T20:40:00.000-07:00

Recently I happened upon this super cool organization called Birthing Project USA. "The Underground Railroad for New Life." It's mission is to encourage better birth outcomes in the African-American community. To support mothers and soon-to-be-mothers (teen mothers in particular, it looks like). Did you know that African American mothers are twice as likely as non-African American mothers to lose a baby in infancy? No one is exactly sure why, but it's speculated that it's at least partly due to the fact that "African Americans, more than any other group, have a significant amount of accumulated life-long stress, which impacts their general health and that of their babies." (First 5la)

The factors that cause this stress, I would be willing to bet, are also linked to the reasons so many African American children later end up living in foster care instead of in their biological family homes. I'm amazed with the courage of people like Trisha (see my previous post), who are struggling under an inept welfare system in this economy and yet still manage to provide for their kids.

It seems to me that small non-profit organizations like Birthing Project have a better impact overall than large federal programs like welfare. They are more individual. Maybe we're afraid that if welfare goes way, those programs won't have the resources that big tax-funded federal programs will, and therefore some people will fall through the cracks. But don't they anyway?

FroHawk

2010-04-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

My roommate Adri saw a Project Runway model who had hair just like mine done up in a sweet-looking mohawk style that--because of its texture--was appropriately deemed a 'fro hawk. (notice on the Web site how they misplaced the apostrophe, don't they know know "fro" is short for "afro"?)

We decided we had to try it. We found directions on how to use Garnier Fructis products to fashion the hair in this style, mixing the "super stiff gel" with "fiber gum putty" to create an incredible cement-like paste. Adri went to work smoothing the sides of my hair with the crazy paste and using dozens of bobby pins to hold it up into a bonafide frohawk. Seems like it would've worked better if my hair were dirtier--instructions said to wash it before styling, but, as I suspected, my post-wash hair was a bit on the soft end and therefore not as likely to "stick." Plus the front was so long that it flopped down to my nose--not neatly above my eyes like the model's. Adri improvised with a bouffant style instead. It worked! In our opinion anyway.

Here's the end result.

As the day went on, my hair settled into the style, as the curls shrank up and frizzed into place. Several people throughout the day told me I looked "punk," which is something I've never heard before. I've been accused of being "girly" or "smart" in my style, but never punk. (I think the shades did it.)

Check out Adri's Youtube video of it all below.

A Libertarian's View on Adoption and Government

2010-03-25T12:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone knows libertarians want the government to keep its paws off enterprise and human affairs. I've realized that I mostly agree with this viewpoint when it comes to adoption and foster care--in many ways, government regulation hurts more than helps families.

(For example, Dorothy Roberts, in her book Shattered Bonds: The Color of Child Welfare, writes about how social service agencies and government policy tend to tear apart low-income minority families by removing children at an alarming rate and putting them in foster care, instead of focusing on reunification. Which is just backward. Adoption should not effectively cause a bio family breakdown, it should be the last resort.)

And, furthermore, it's intrusive to have the government own information about you that you can't access as an adoptee--namely, your birth certificate and information on biological family, health, etc.

So I was excited to see an article about adoption, "The Welfare State Kills Children," on The Freeman site, expecting a well-articulated libertarian rant about faulty government intervention in adoption. Which it was, to an extent, but it left much to be desired. Writer James Payne focuses on the government's negligence in allowing Renee Bowman, who severely neglected and abused her 3 adopted daughters, to adopt, but then decries the impediments to adoption many good potential adoptive families face. True, there's tons of policy and red tape. (My parents waited a whopping seven years to adopt me!) Adoptive parents are highly screened, as they should be. And yes, the government failed big time with Renee Bowman.

But in advocating better/faster adoption processes and privatization, Payne ignores the possibility that the reason the kids are in foster care in the first place might be the real issue of concern. That putting a kid in the foster care system costs tax payers ten to eleven times more than putting money toward helping the biological family if poverty is the issue, which it often is. (Now of course for some kids adoption is the best option.) As happens with most mainstream media, the issue is seen from an adoptive-parent perspective. Reporters don't always know to look behind the issue.

Payne suggests adoptions be handled by private agencies. Sure, this can often be a better process, and Payne believes that bad practices would be naturally eliminated because adoptive families would not patronize those bad agencies. (This is what I love about libertarians--they're so hopeful!) But private adoption still doesn't quite leave the government out of the transaction--in most states still, the government owns the sealed records and the child's birth certificate. When we turn it all over to a business model, the power would lie with adoptive parents, as they're the paying customers. But yet with a "largely unregulated" system that he suggests there's the risk of child trafficking, which happens all over the world and even in our US of A. There are many risks of any option. Which ones are we willing to take?

We need to educate the public about ALL the issues of adoption so we can join forces with libertarians like James Payne, who I suspect would fight with us for unsealed birth certificates.

Race on the Census Form

2010-03-23T18:27:00.000-07:00

The Census form for our apartment reads like this:

Person 1 (me)
Is Person 1 of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?
__X_ no, not of hispanic Latino, or Spanish origin
_____ Yes, Mexican, Mexican Am., Chicano
_____ Yes, Puerto Rican
_____ Yes, Cuban
_____ Yes, another Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin--print origin below

What is this person's race?
__X__ White
__X__ Black, African Am., or Negro
_____ American Indian or Alaska Native
_____ Asian Indian ______Chinese _____Japanese _____Native Hawaiian ____Guamanian or Chamorro _____Filipino _____ Vietnamese ______ Samoan _______Other Asian ____ Other Pacific Islander

Person 2 (my roommate)

Is Person 2 of Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin?

_____ No, not of hispanic Latino, or Spanish origin

__X__ Yes, Mexican, Mexican Am., Chicano

_____ Yes, Puerto Rican

_____ Yes, Cuban

__X__ Yes, another Hispanic, Latino, or Spanish origin--print origin below

[Colombian]

What is this person's race?

__X__ White

_____ Black, African Am., or Negro

_____ American Indian or Alaska Native

_____ Asian Indian ______Chinese _____Japanese _____Native Hawaiian ____Guamanian or Chamorro _____Filipino _____ Vietnamese ______ Samoan _______Other Asian ____ Other Pacific Islander

I find it strange to think of my roommate, a Colombian-Mexican American, as classified as white. I get that the Census is distinguishing between race and culture (Hispanic being a culture and not a race), but this leaves her with...white? Really? She says it's always been that way, and doesn't totally make sense. For once the classification of origin is less complicated for me!

Van Jones NAACP Award Acceptance Speech (+ "I love you Glenn Beck")

2010-03-21T06:41:00.000-07:00

Tell your enemies you love them--atta boy!

Hair Ads from the Late Nineteenth Century

2010-03-20T07:00:00.000-07:00

Speaking of hair-race connections, and the roots of the issue for women...

Check out these ads for hair products appearing in negro periodicals in the late nineteenth century (I love microfilm!):

In the first one, we see that curly hair, of course, must be made straight. You don't want the terribly "wild" curly look pictured on the left--your life will be much better after using this "wonderful discovery" to make it straight.

Straight = better.

In the next one, pay attention to the adjectives describing blacks' natural hair, which they should definitely straighten so it will be longer and flowing on their shoulders as pictured: "Positively straighten knotty, nappy, kinky, troublesome, refractory hair..." Hair that in its natural state needs to be fixed. The desired result? "Causes the hair to grow long and straight, soft and fine, and beautiful as an April morning."

It's obvious whom these are marketed to--we can assume advertisers want consumers to see themselves in the images. WOMEN.

Curly Versus Straight Hair Experiment, and my new word Hairist!

2010-03-19T14:09:00.000-07:00

Through Afrobella's site I found this ABC News hair social experiment.

The investigator, curly-haired Taryn Winter Brill, asked five white guys to rate her "hotness" when her hair is straight versus when her hair is curly. The guys were asked to describe her curly pic with one word:

"Frazzled," one said.

"Giddy," said another.

One guy said, wide-eyed, that "she looks like someone who wants to get married, real fast." Um, what? How could curls communicate that?

When they rated her straight pic (much later, not realizing it was the same girl), they said she looked "classy," "pretty," and "nice."

Here you see the underlying stereotypes of curly hair. It's always been tied up with race in my own hair situation, and I forget that every curly girl faces preconceived notions like this. Not from everyone, of course, but it's there.

Jezebel noted that the story was inherently racist. Because it completely ignored race? It seems a better way to isolate the variables, because race adds a whole other can of hair worms... If we see how straight/curly hair affects the way white women are seen, we can understand even better why black women would want the straight-haired look too--why all women do. Maybe? I wonder how much different it would have been if Taryn were blonde and therefore the pinnacle of the longstanding beauty standard when her hair is straight. Do blonde curlies have it slightly better?

Check out one Jezebel reader comment (I'm assuming a black woman): "I always cringe when someone compliments my hair not by saying they like the cut or the color I dye it but because it is straight, followed by some kind of "I wish mine were straight!". I feel like I unwittingly just participated in something racist when that happens."

That person would probably also tell her she looks much "classier" with straight hair, not "frazzled" as she would be with curls. Some people are just ignorant. They believe hair stereotypes. They are "hairists" in the same way other people are racists. Some people are both, but here's my question: can someone be a hairist without being a racist, or vice versa?

Colorlines Video: The Single Mother of Color and Economic Recovery

2010-03-18T18:42:00.000-07:00

Continuing in a somewhat similar vein...

How has the economy affected our nation's poorest, particularly single mothers of color?

Jobless rate in the U.S. right now: 10%

For single mothers: 13%

For blacks: 15%

(no statistic for black single mothers specifically, but we can guess it's not good)

This Colorlines video follows Tisha, a 29-year-old black woman and single mother of three hovering over poverty. She's an experienced healthcare worker who has struggled not only to find a job but to make life work within the welfare system.

Examples of barriers to Tisha's success, several of which are quite common:

1. The assistance program required her to go to daily workshops. Pretty tough when you've got young kids at home to care for.

2. She was in a domestic violence situation, which added to her struggle to fulfill program requirements. (This is more common than you think--women in poverty experience the highest rates of domestic violence.)

3. After leaving that situation and moving to her mother's, they discovered there was old lead paint in her house and--SURPRISE!--suddenly the authorities were threatening to take away her child if she didn't move out right away. (Ah, the child welfare system--hurry up and get those black kids out of there and into foster care! Sorry. Rant.)

This Colorlines program blames Tisha's distressing situation on the fact that the "Federal Safety Net" was cut under Reagan, who endorsed the cut by planting in the American imagination the myth of the black "welfare queen." I hesitate to say that government funding for social programs regulated by the government are the answer (because look how beautifully the government has served the single mother of color so far), but this video definitely had me thinking there must be a better solution than what we've got now. What I like is their other suggestion: for communities of color, follow the example of San Francisco and Oakland, CA: start community sustainability and greening projects and employ local people to do the work. Again, government funded. But if heavy regulations aren't attached, maybe these individual city projects would actually work? Reminds me again of Van Jones--The Green Collar Economy.

Watch the video below, or go here.

American Adoption Congress Conference This Weekend

2010-03-18T13:42:00.000-07:00

The American Adoption Congress Conference is going on right now in Sacramento, CA. I couldn't swing it this year after going overseas last week and with only a few months until graduation (plus my proposal didn't get accepted so I couldn't get funding from school), but I'd encourage anyone involved with adoption to go to one of these. It honestly changed my life, finding others like me who have been through similar struggles related to adoption. It's a great way to connect with others.

Click here for more info on the current AAC conference.

(I'll be presenting at the Alliance for the Study of Adoption and Culture Conference in Boston May 1 instead.)

Wealth Gap for Single Black Women

2010-03-14T17:44:00.001-07:00

I just read a most disturbing article about a study that found black women at the very bottom of our society economically. I'm not surprised that their position is lower than many others', but the degree to which they are, even compared to other women, is horrifying. Some of the most heartbreaking facts:

The median wealth (assets minus debts) of single black women is five dollars. Yep, 5 bucks. Compare that to single white women, whose median wealth is $42, 600.
Black women support friends, family, and their churches to a greater degree than the general population. (A helping spirit is a good thing, right? And shouldn't be cause for poverty.) Yet they are more likely to have lower paying jobs and less access to health insurance.
More than 70% of black families in Pittsburgh are headed by single mothers.

This is an atrocity, for everyone in this country. What can we do about it?

The article mentions that the high single-motherhood statistic is likely related to the alarmingly high incarceration rates of black men, which I agree is key. (More on this later and how it relates to the number of black kids in foster care--also see activist work by Van Jones). But I take issue with this quote: "High unemployment and high incarceration rates for black men also lower the likelihood of single black women finding a partner to help build a more secure financial future." This assumes that single black women only want to be with black men, or that it's the only option for them. That doesn't have to be the case, of course.

(I've been thinking lately about this issue, and wondering how often minority women settle for men who aren't the best for them because "in race" options are slim.)

The article then suggests that new government policy is what is needed to amend these issues. A friend has been introducing me to a more libertarian point of view, and I'm starting to think that good-policies-gone-wrong are a big part of why we got here in the first place. Our welfare system is a mess--rarely does it help lift people out of poverty. Policies can appear to be colorblind, but are they really in practice? (It's a known fact that the initial crackdown on marijuana and the propaganda programs demonizing it in this country were directly aimed at latino men.) Plus it's hard to implement laws and regulations that result in the best for everyone, especially in such a diverse society.

The director of the Closing the Gap Initiative said this: "Our government knows how to build wealth for people..." Oh, really...How so? And how might it do so for black women? Require that they be paid 10 times more than white women in the workplace? It's easy to see how that would work out. Change the pay rates of entire industries that currently employ a high percentage of black women? Offer free childcare? Set all the imprisoned black men free?

Something needs to change, that's for sure. But these issues are so complex and deeply entrenched in society that I can't imagine a policy that will do it.

Gypsies and Adoption in Eastern Europa

2010-03-09T01:47:00.000-08:00

Gypsies
Right now I'm in a small town called Levice, Slovakia, with my friend M who is originally from here and her American husband. We are traveling to different small towns, as well as the capital city Bratislava and Budapest, Hungary, but mostly we are visiting with her family. They are Gypsies, which--before meeting M--I had no idea was an ethnic group. Roma people (link might be funky from a Slovenska keyboard--go to Romani.org), originally descended Northern India and some say from early Egyptians (hence "Gyp" of "Gypsy"). Traditionally they are known as musicians, fortune tellers, bright-colored-clothing-clad travelers--literally "roamers"--and they have migrated all over E. Europe. Partly this migration is due to culture, but also because they are oppressed and shunned all over E. Europe. They are seen as dirty, uneducated thieves who will snatch your baby in the night and carry it away to the forest to be eaten. (That last part is folkloric, of course, but you can see the root of racism in there!)

Another problem is that the Roma people have no national identity, and no land to call their own. M often compares this to the plight of Palestinians. And because they are seen as lower than lower class and have no claim to national identity, they are very poor and have a hard time getting access to social services such as education, etc. Which just perpetuates the problem.

M and I have had several conversations about the continuing discrimination of Gypsies over here, how their oppression is related to the way blacks in the U.S. were treated until only a few decades ago.

Gypsy adoption
M and her husband want to adopt a Gypsy child from here, as you can guess there are many of them in orphanages all over Europe. (Someone once said that the problems of our societies are on display in our orphanages!) photo: waii.org

When my father was on a mission trip building an orphanage in Russia years ago, the children would flock to them at the end of the workday, wanting to play. One of the nuns approached Dad and said, "That one is Gypsy, so you don't need to play with him! Just ignore him."

Countries that have implemented the Hague Convention Treaty in their international adoption programs recognize the need for Gypsy children to find good homes. But it gets complicated to actually make it happen. You have to live in the country a certain amount of time before you can take a child, the paperwork process and screening can take years--the things we hear about all the time with adoption. It appears Bulgaria has tried to make the Gypsy adoption process easier, but that's several hundred miles from here. M and her husband haven't found an agency willing to work with them here or nearby in Hungary. It's a strange and distressing mystery. Does anyone know of an agency here? We know there are many Gypsy children waiting...

Thanks for any tips.

Tribute to my Mother

2010-03-01T19:52:00.000-08:00

I made this Wordle design for my mother for her birthday March 17 (don't worry, she's doesn't use the Internet and won't see it!) You can compile special phrases and words, then paste them into the Wordle program and voilâ--a thoughtful and heartfelt gift!

Identical Strangers: Twins Adopted Separately in Secret Study

2010-02-25T09:00:00.000-08:00

In 2004, two adopted women in their 30s suddenly discovered that they had an identical twin. Their families hadn't known this when they were adopted in New York--they were part of a secret research project conducted by the Louise Wise agency that separated identical twins as infants and followed their development. It was the perfect nature vs. nurture study. The parents were only told that the children were already part of "an ongoing child study" but no more details.

The two women, Paula Bernstein and Elyse Schein, have reunited and are amazed at their similarities. Other than looks, they share many personality traits and interests. They mourn the 35 years they were separated and the lies that kept them from knowing about each other.

Because of the controversial nature of the study, the results have been sealed until 2066. There were 13 children involved in the study. Four still don't know about their twins.

Bernstein and Schein said, "It's kind of disturbing to think that all this material about us is in some file cabinet somewhere..." Um, yeah. Talk about adding another layer of secrecy and records-hiding to an adoption story!

Together they wrote a memoir called Identical Strangers. I'm interested in the story, but quite underimpressed with the excerpt here on NPR. Has anyone read it?

Adoption Conference at MIT April 29-May 2

2010-02-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

*Adoption: Secret Histories, Public Policies*
A conference sponsored by the Alliance for the Study of Adoption and Culture
at MIT, Cambridge, MA

April 29-May 2, 2010

Keynote speakers:

Anita L. Allen, whose work focuses on the law and ethics of privacy and data protection, race relations and feminist philosophy. She is the author of numerous articles and several books: Privacy Law: and Society (2007); Why Privacy Isn’t Everything: Feminist Reflections on Personal Accountability, Uneasy Access: Privacy for Women in a Free Society, The New Ethics: A Guided Tour of the 21st Century Moral Landscape (Miramax Books/distributed by Hyperion Books, 2004).
Ann Fessler, an installation artist, filmmaker, adoptee and author of /The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, based on oral history interviews she conducted between 2002 and 2005 with surrendering mothers across the country. See my previous post on this book.
Lynn Lauber, *birth mother, writer, teacher, and book collaborator, has published three books with W.W. Norton. White Girls, (1990) and 21 Sugar Street (1993), both fiction, that deal with the topics of birth families and adoption. Listen to Me, Writing Life into Meaning (2003), is part memoir, part exploration of writing as self-discovery.
Deann Borshay Liem, producer/director/writer for Emmy Award nominated documentary First Person Plural (PBS 2000). She is also the producer/director/writer for the new documentary In the Matter of Cha Jung Hee, which will be broadcast on PBS in Fall 2010.

Other speakers include Me! (I'm presenting on blogging and adoption) and Lisa Marie!, Marla Brettschneider, Naomi Cahn, Maryanne Cohen, Marley Greiner, Meredith Hall, Craig Hickman, Margaret Homans, B J Lifton, Kate Livingston, Karen McElmurray, Marianne Novy, Joyce Maguire Pavao, Adam Pertman, John Raible, Lisa Marie Rollins, Elizabeth Samuels, Sarah Tobias.

Documentary films, panels on topics such as: Secrecy and Policy; Lesbian/gay Secrecy Issues and Adoption; Complications of Search, Reunion and Aftermath; Transnational Adoption as Immigration Policy; Secrecy and Adoption: Historical Perspectives on the U.S., Europe, and Asia after World War II; Birthmothers: Agency and Activism; Biological Preference Critiqued and Analyzed; Secrecy and Openness: Legal Issues; Transracial Adoption in Contemporary American Literature; Adoptive Parents, Race, Difference. There will also be an evening of creative writing and performance, featuring Lisa Marie Rollins.

Friday evening performances and all keynotes are free and open to the public. All sessions free to MIT affiliates, and special rates are available for non-MIT students and the un/underemployed.

For more information, visit the Web site or contact: asac2010@mit.edu.

Update on SD Senate Bill on Adoption

2010-02-21T19:31:00.000-08:00

The bill was rejected, due to lobbyists' claims regarding abortion and birth mothers' privacy.

These are common misperceptions: that allowing adoptees access to original birth certificates will cause birth mothers to choose abortion, fearing their privacy will be invaded. Birth mothers, in survey after survey, are concerned about their confidentiality. People misconstrue "open records" thinking that it means their records are open to the public, but they are only there for the persons involved--often only the adoptee himself or sometimes the adoptive parents.

Here's a survey by the Guttmacher Institute (Planned Parenthood research division) I just found out about, conducted in 2004, that surveyed more than 1200 mothers. None of the women mentioned that a guarantee of a "confidential adoption" played a part in their decision to abort. Top two reasons? Money and life interference (education, job). NOT adoption.

It's mainly fear that keeps this atmosphere of secrecy going. Let's wake up to the 21st century.

As the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute reiterates in one study, "for many adopted persons, the desire to obtain their records is entirely separate from any desire to search for their birth mothers or other relatives; they simply believe--as a human and civil right--that they are entitled to the same basic information about themselves that people raised in birth families receive as a matter of course."

The SD bill could pass in the House and get kicked back to the Senate again, so if you support it, click here and write to the state representatives and let them know.

Another Hair Adventure with Adri: Bangs!

2010-02-15T21:34:00.000-08:00

Yesterday Adri decided that she was bored with her hair. "Let's chop it all off--do you have scissors?" she says to me.

It cracks me up that she thinks I know how to style other people's hair. I try to tell her that it took me a quarter century to learn how to do my OWN hair, that my hair obsessions stem from the cultural meanings of ethnic hair and not my ability to actually style hair of any kind. She dismisses these pleas and insists I do something.

"How about we give you bangs?" I ask tentatively.

She agrees, and it turns out this was not simply my way of skirting a major hair crisis that she'd have to run to the salon to fix, but a brilliant idea.

It looks absolutely wonderful on her, don't you agree?

South Dakota Senate Bill on Adoption

2010-02-15T18:13:00.000-08:00

An update from adoption folks in South Dakota: Tomorrow, Tuesday, Feb. 16, Senate Bill 152 will be heard on the SD Senate floor. It has no restrictions for access! You can get e-mail and contact info for specific legislators here. Send a quick e-mail saying you, a voter (even if you're not from SD!), support the bill. It makes a difference...at least that's what we hope.

Adoption Film: Off and Running

2010-02-11T19:57:00.000-08:00

A wonderful documentary on adoption called Off and Running was released January 29, 2010, to much acclaim.

It is the story of Avery, Black adopted daughter of white lesbian mothers in New York. She is a good student, a track runner, soon to leave for college. She begins a journey of seeking her birth family. She has a lot of support from her adoptive family, but still things go, quite literally, off track. This film does a wonderful job capturing the complexities of transracial adoption, searching for birth family, what can happen when contact is made, and the varying perspectives and responses of family members involved.

It has won numerous awards and several film festivals--deservedly so in my opinion.

I'm presenting on a panel about the film here at the University of Pittsburgh next Thursday, February 18 (for those of you in the area, room G-24 in the Cathedral of Learning). If you can't make it to the showing, I highly recommend finding a way to watch it on your own. Check out more details here. Watch the trailer below.

The Girl Who Fell From the Sky Book Review

2010-02-08T19:04:00.000-08:00

At last, Heidi Durrow's debut book is out! (You know her from Mixed Chicks Chat and the Mixed Roots Film and Literary Fest.)

It is The Girl Who Fell from the Sky (Algonquin, 2010), and it is a most lovely book. I gobbled it up in two days.

Our main character is Rachel, daughter of a Danish mother and Black American G.I., whose story begins with a mysterious, tragic accident in which she is the only survivor. Suddenly placed in the care of her grandmother in a Black American community, where her hair, light eyes, and fair skin are often the source of much attention and scrutiny, she is forced to examine what it means to be Black. Because she is a child of multiple worlds—White-Black, American-non-American—she is at once an insider and an outsider to all. Rachel’s position allows her to examine these worlds clearly and critically; she is continually confronted with perspectives that tell her these they must remain rigidly separate. Rachel wonders what it means when her friend tells her she “talks white.” She ponders how identity is tied to what is seen by others and what is unseen, what remains only in her memory and what she lives now: “I don’t want the Danish in me to be something time makes me leave behind.”

This book spoke to me on so many levels. It addresses race in America, the changing perspectives of generations.

I've heard Heidi talk about Nella Larsen's work, and I can definitely tell she channeled her. Here is a new classic to add to the canon. Heidi is coming to Pittsburgh to give talks and readings at UPitt (and hopefully a bookstore or two) April 12-13, while on her book tour. Read her book and check her out!

Change.org petition for access to birth certificates

2010-01-31T19:20:00.000-08:00

A fellow adoption advocate submitted an idea to a contest on Change.org. It calls for allowing adoptees access to their original birth certificates. The 10 ideas that receive the most votes by the end of the competition will be presented at an event in DC to relevant officials in the Obama Administration. Check it out, then vote and comment if you agree!

Music Video Adoptee Rights: Zara Philips and DMC

2010-01-26T20:53:00.000-08:00

Whites-Only Basketball League

2010-01-25T20:22:00.001-08:00

A whites-only basketball league. At first some thought it was a prank.

Whose idea? Don "Moose" Lewis, former pro-wrestling promoter. He says that people will support something they can identify with (AKA white people), and that white basketball is "fundamental basketball" instead of that "street ball" that apparently litters our vision and is only played by people of color. He cites the recent incident with NBA player Gilbert Arenas bringing guns into the Wizards' locker room. This is apparently indicative of "street ball"? As in gangster, as in black. Street = guns = gangster = black

A friend of mine had this to say in response: "I think the league’s founder is mistaking whiteness for male maturity. To form a white basketball squad, in his mind, would equal decorum, respect, good old wholesome sport. But it ignores the fact that whiteness does not equate with maturity: let’s see, bill clinton, john edwards, rush limbaugh, eliot spitzer, Joe Wilson, the obama-hating senator — philandering, drug addicted, ill-mannered. Immaturity knows no one race. Improper behavior knows no one race." Truth!

When you are connecting behavior to race, and/or connecting the behavior of some to the behavior the entire race, you have officially been swallowed by race.

[However, if he were really swallowed by race, you'd think he'd agree that white men can't jump!]

The league is, according to this article, forming out of Georgia. They hope to begin playing in June this year and are looking for 12 cities to host teams. Chatanooga, TN, for one, said hell no. Good for them.

Requirements to play: "Only natural-born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play." I would like him to define this a little better. Lots of white people have a drop of something else somewhere in their family tree. Will there be cheek swabs? Blood tests? Hair examinations?

Such a blatant abomination is hard to believe. Some still think it must be a joke. But Lewis keeps emphasizing to the media that this is very serious indeed. Let's just hope his plan fails, which will be a success for America.

Bastard Nation's Statement on Haitian Adoptions

2010-01-24T21:21:00.000-08:00

Statement from the Daily Bastardette, which was faxed to the U.S. State Department: "For the last week, Bastard Nation, like the rest of the world, has been watching the devastation of Haiti. The images are frightening, sad, and heartrending, especially those of the children.

We have also watched with alarm the rush to rescue Haitian children by adoption. Within three days of the earthquake, Catholic Charities of Miami had set up a scheme modeled on Operation Pedro Pan, a joint State Department-CIA-Miami Diocese project in the early 1960s to separate children from their parents, creating young pawns in the US war against the Castro government. Although “Operation Pierre Pan” in Haiti is on hold, at least for now, numerous evangelical churches and ministries, adoption agencies, secular organizations, unfinalized adoptive parents and other individuals--many with conflicts of interest--have joined the rescue mission call to remove children immediately, no matter what their family status, to the US for the purpose of adoption.

Haiti is still under rubble. Aid is slow to arrive. Survivors are spread out in shelters and camps, or live in the streets. The dead are unnumbered, unknown, and unnamed. Family members continue to search for each for other, and it will take weeks or even months for final conciliation.

The rush to relocate orphans, quasi-orphans, and potential orphans internationally is ripe for coercion and fraud. Adoption agencies, church agencies, and ministries especially--along with fraudulent and predatory “child welfare” agents--have much to gain from fast removal. The trafficking of Haitian children for sex, servitude, and adoption operated in Haiti before the quake. It certainly operates now. The unethical and possibly unlawful mass transfer of traumatized children, many with family status unknown, to foreign shelters, foster care, and adoption agencies, removed from their culture and language, with little hope of family reunification cannot be allowed or tolerated. We urge US State Department and other US authorities in Haiti to (1) remove private special interests and those with conflicts of interest, such as adoption agencies and ministries, from the child welfare decision-making process and (2) halt the evacuation of children and their placement for adoption in the US.

We also urge the State Department to suspend pending adoptions. Haitian paperwork is lost or destroyed. Rock Cadet, the judge most responsible and knowledgeable about pipeline cases, died in the quake. Though the US Embassy survived, US paperwork is probably unavailable for some time, if it still exists. Without proof of Haitian court or Embassy status, any adoption removal from the country, without thorough background investigation and due process, is illegal and not in the best interest of the child

Needless to say, no new adoptions should be processed.

In the post-quake chaos, children need protection from predatory snatchers. Bastard Nation, therefore, supports the expedited removal of Haitian children, orphans or otherwise, to credible and documented parents or family members in the US for temporary or permanent placement depending on the circumstances. These children must not be assumed adoptable and scooped up for fast-track adoption. They should be a top priority. We urge the State Department or other government or credible private and disinterested agencies to assist Haitians in the US to locate child kin and bring them to the US.

We understand why people want to open their arms and hearts to the children of the Haitian earthquake, but adoption is not emergency or humanitarian aid or a solution to Haiti’s ongoing problems. The immediate rescue effort in Haiti should focus on emergency services, individual and family care and family reunification, not family, community, and cultural destruction and the strip-mining of children."

Haitian Adoptions, con't

2010-01-24T20:24:00.000-08:00

Apparently 15 children have gone missing from hospitals in Haiti since the earthquake. Another reason why aid organizations such as UNICEF have been warning officials to tread carefully with these accelerated adoptions, as there is a high risk of child trafficking in this country.

A chief executive of the children's organization Plan International had this to say:

"You can speed up the process but not cut corners. We must keep in mind that the first best choice is to have children with family members. And the second best choice is to have them in their own community with responsible adults taking care of them."

Haitian Orphans Hurriedly Adopted in America

2010-01-20T07:21:00.000-08:00

The recent earthquake that ravaged Haiti left many children parent-less. Check out this article, which details how the US of A has jumped to the rescue, loosening visa requirements so that hundreds of American families are able adopt these children almost immediately.

(I wonder if, on our end, anything has changed or "loosened" with our adoptive-parent-screening process to make it quicker?)

A quick rescue effort from Pittsburgh included sending a plane of aid workers, doctors, and a few politicians to gather orphans from Haiti.

Does this scenario remind anyone of the Korean Babylift of 1975?

Aid groups had said that every effort should be made to place children with relatives in Haiti, but in reading all these articles I can't tell how much of that effort really happened.

Shouldn't we stop and think: Maybe a rush to help doesn't have to mean a rush to remove.

Of course there are other things to protest about with this highly sensitive issue. Critics have complained about the media images. Photos that say without words: look at the white rescuer carrying the poor, starving, third-world black child to safety. Because of our long history of silencing with international adoption and the "savior" narrative, the images make me cringe a little.

(And, of course, I think about how no one seems hurried to adopt the many African-American children without permanent homes right here in this country. This is a crisis, too, people.)

One adoptee writes a detailed critique of the media's portrayal, naming the emotional bent that adoption stories often take, one that focuses solely on the adoptive parents' point of view. It's hurtful as an adoptee to see this happen over and over. To feel silenced, objectified. But I believe we should be compassionate as we criticize, recognize others' good intentions as we speak up. We should definitely speak up.

America, we should be careful as we laud, and not simply see these Haitian children as poor and in need of rescue. We should not simply view these adoptions as providing a "better" life for these children. Yes, their basic needs will probably be met better than back in Haiti (though what if we gave more directly to Haiti so it could provide for its own?). But their emotional needs are even higher now. Remember the lost mothers and fathers.

We must say thank you to all those who stepped forward to give time, money, and resources to Haiti, and to the parents who have opened their homes to these orphaned children. It's a good thing to see people work together to help another country in crisis. It's a good thing that people are coming forward to meet immediate needs of children. Intentions, I am certain, are good. But, adoption is always-always-always complicated, and a balanced perspective on all the issues surrounding it rarely seems to emerge. No one likes to hear about the downside of adoption, or how a good thing can go bad.

Fifty-three orphans arrived here in Pittsburgh yesterday morning. As they get settled into new families, my hope is that the parents are being educated on the issues surrounding this potentially-good-yet-complex situation. The children might not be as "grateful" as parents expect them to be. At some point they might struggle with racial issues, anger, confusion. They will probably want to return to Haiti one day, obtain their original birth certificates and records, maybe find their birth parents or other blood relatives. I hope the parents are ready for that, and will allow space for their children's complicated emotions.

Curly Girls Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr.

2010-01-15T15:59:00.000-08:00

I find it amusing, yet somehow perfectly appropriate, that naturallycurly.com is offering a 15% discount on all orders to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. on Monday.

Interested parties should use coupon code MLK15 upon checkout.

Meeting My Newfound Family over New Year's

2010-01-15T09:19:00.000-08:00

I should write something about my meeting with new family over New Year's. It's hard to put into words (I've already been trying!) Or maybe it's just hard to put into the right words.

In short, these people, my people, are wonderful.

Everyone was super warm and welcoming right off the bat. I was doing chores and helping prepare the meal within 20 minutes of arrival. There was none of that weirdness that can happen sometimes when nobody knows that their brother or son or husband had a secret child way-back-when. It was as though I was now part of the family and that was that.

My cousin Faith just had a baby in November, which made for a nice parallel. I wasn't the only new face to examine and welcome into the family. Took the pressure off a bit. Thanks, little Jo-Jo!

Big family dinner New Year's Day--fried catfish, greens, chitterlings, gumbo. Probably about 20 people, many of whom looked at me and immediately said I look just like my father. They told me stories of what he was like growing up, how he'd been a basketball star in high school and had wooed all the ladies.

What a strange feeling to be told that you look like someone! I've never looked like anyone before. I wanted to see him immediately.

Finally on Saturday, January 2, I did. Debbie and I went to where he was staying and there was my face on a fifty-year-old man. He looked me up and down and said, "So you my baby?" Then he hooted. I laughed. A bit of humor goes a long way when you're so nervous you think you might explode. We talked (mostly he did the talking). He paced, though I don't think he was particularly nervous. He showed me his calf muscle. I showed him mine. He put his arm next to mine. Just a shade darker. "It's because you ain't been in the sun," he said. After what felt like only a minute, we had to leave.

Although I only got to spend 20 minutes with him, I do feel that I got to know him a little bit through his family. Everyone had a story to tell about him. I see the role that he plays in the family. How, in a strange way, he brings them together, how they've all come together in different ways through the years to make sure he's well.

I'm still processing all of it. Mostly I felt like I was basking in a pool of light. A beautiful, dark, shimmering pool of light. Dark and light.

I hope the connections last this time. But if they don't, it still feels better just to finally know. Finally.

All-natural Hair Relaxer

2009-12-31T19:00:00.000-08:00

A new non-permanent hair relaxer is on the market: Diva Smooth. Instead of an alkali solution that strips the hair's natural curl pattern from within the cuticle, this product uses coconut oil, jojoba oil, grapeseed oil, honey, and molasses. Use these natural ingredients along with a flat iron, and your hair can be straight and still remain healthy and natural.

It's probably also great for transitioning divas who hate that two-textured, in-between look.

Here's the topper: you can buy it online for only 50 bucks.

How I wish I would have known about this years ago!